Worst Jokes Ever

I feel bad for cumming on my turtle.

Why the fuck would I do that? I should have never masturbated in front of my turtle. So basically I was watching porn on my 55 inch tv and my turtle was next to me on the couch. The porno was really old. It was a DVD from 2002. It was probably the hottest porn I have ever watched and honestly I'm probably going to watch porn on dvd instead of from the internet. The only reason I had my turtle with me was because whenever I cum, I feel really depressed and lonely, so I thought that if my turtle watched with me I wouldn't feel lonely. Well, I started stroking my willie, I used lotion, I took all my clothes off, but my dumbass forgot the tissues. I realized that I forgot to grab tissues but it was too late. I was going to cum. I didn't want to cum everywhere so I had to think fast. It was when I saw my turtle when I realized what I had to do. I came like a motherfucker. My turtle was painted with my cum in his tiny little face and all around his shell. He didn't say a word about it, he didn't move, he just stood there looking at me like I killed a bunch of children. I would never forget the look my turtle gave me. His disappointing face broke my heart. I put on my clothes, I took my turtle to the bathroom and cleaned him off. What happened, happened. But my turtle would never forget what happened. My turtle, Tommy, would never forgive me. Today, I passed by him and I know he still remembers what I did to him 3 hours ago. My only wish is that one day, Tommy the turtle will forgive me for my horrible sins.

Bully... you're such an asshole. Me... Acting like a dick won't make yours any bigger.

Like if you have a boyfriend, girlfriend, or husband, or wife, or a crush.

There is one rapist among us.

If I had a spray can, I would spray it on your ass. Because the instructions say to spray on flat surfaces.

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

What’s the most expensive haircut?

Chemotherapy.

What do you call a group of depressed kids?

The suicide squad.

How do you know when your girlfriend is too young?

You have to make airplane noises to get her to open her mouth.

Sorry.

Roses are red, pussies are wet, when it goes in he gets upset. She said it's too small, so that's all. But later that day, he wanted to say, "Every time I play, no one complains, so she was just lying." She started flying, went out of her seat, the skirt went up, the greatest of them all. Everyone said, "Fly away big chunky balls."

I started crying when dad was cutting onions.

Onions was such a good dog.

Why was the cheetah so bad at hide and seek?

No matter where she hid, she was always spotted.

What's the difference in Japanese Kamikaze and 9/11?

There is none, they both go up in flames.

What do you call Stephen Hawking on a bungy jump?

Spasticelastic.

What is red and very rare?

A child in a blender.

I was walking down Main Street when I saw a child.

I told him, "I will give you 20$ if you get my balls back from the vet."

He replied, "Why did they take your balls sir?"

"Beer plus going to the vet does not work well for everybody, especially when you're a furry."

What's the difference between a girl and a toy? There is no difference because you play with both anyway.

What do my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can’t be found.

Why did the orphan go to church? So he had someone to call dad. 🤣

Today I found out that my cat got hit by a car accident. Well, I guess I'm gonna play ninja fruits on my hands again. It's not like anyone will notice.