Worst Jokes Ever
What do you call a woman who aborted her quadruplets? A graveyard.
Yo mama so fat, she needed cheat codes for Wii Fit!
So, two kids argued and insulted each other.
KID 1: "Your dad left because he didn't want you, so why don't you kill yourself?"
KID 2: "Well, your dad already killed himself because he didn't want you."
Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.
After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.
The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:
"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."
His friends laugh at the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a teapot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.
After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.
The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.
The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.
The receptionist responds:
"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea joke."
What song do you think was playing at the school?
"Pumped Up Kicks"
My grandpa personally killed 3 German pilots. He was the worst mechanic Luftwaffe had.
What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine? The washing machine doesn't follow you after you put a load in it.
I lost my dog. I probably shouldn't have named him "rape."
Me: Can I get your mom's number?
Friend: Here you go:
Me: Ohh, strange, I already had it.
I went to find someone to fuck in the streets for money, and I found a prostitute, but then she raped me. After she said it was amazing and instead let me push.
Suicide won't work, I'm already dead inside.
Three boys are playing on a slide when a genie appeared.
The genie says, "Whatever you shout when you go down the slide, I will grant you a bucket full of."
The first boy goes down the slide shouting, "diamonds!", and he gets a bucket of diamonds.
The second boy goes down the slide and shouts, "gold!", and gets a bucket of gold.
The third boy, who never listens or pays attention, goes down the slide and shouts "weeeeeeee!"
Imagine being such a low life that you need people to roast you to have stuff to do.
What's your favorite place that orphans can't go to?
Home.
What’s Michael Jackson’s favorite pasta?
Spaghett-hehe.
Why can orphans only hit a triple in baseball?
Because they don't know where home is.
A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."
Why can black people post offensive jokes about making fun of white people, but white people can't post offensive jokes about making fun of black people? Because white people have white privilege. Does it cycle?
Q: What do you call a pigeon that is full of poop that flies in front of a car?
A: A suicide bomber.
Why was my mate in "Mission: Impossible?" Because he couldn't find his dad.