Worst Jokes Ever

I only have 4 moods:

• fuck this • fuck that • fuck me • fuck you

I empathize with the above, but I have an additional 4 moods to add:

• fuck yeah • fuck no • fuck my life • fuck everything

and don't forget the inevitable

• fuck it

and for those who have just given up

• fuck

This is beautiful.

I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, they got excited and asked if I could drive a plane.

JFK: Are you a bullet? Because I can't get you out of my head.

Why can't Trump go to the White House anymore? Because it's forbidden!

Why is sex like math?

You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there’s no multiplying.

Sometimes I feel ugly, then I think of my sister and feel better.

Do emo kids get jealous of their phone when it dies?

What do turtles and lesbians have in common?

They both choke on plastic.

Shit! My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs! I've been his customer for 4 years, but I had no idea he was a barber.

What does a roller coaster and Michael Jackson have in common?

Kids ride for free.

Why can't orphans have sex?

They have no one to call "daddy".

One day, a girl was showering with her mom. She pointed at her mom's breasts and asked: "When can I get these?" Her mother replied: "In about 6 to 7 years when you grow up :)".

The other day, the girl's showering with her dad, and she pointed at his penis and asked: "When can I get this?" Her dad looked around and replied: "In about 20 minutes when your mom leaves the house."

I got kicked out of the library for putting the Women's Rights book in the fantasy section.

Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

What do you call an orphan's family reunion? "Me time."

Without women, sex would be a pain in the ass.

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

You wanna hear a suicide joke? Nvm, it didn't make it.

The other day my friend messaged me saying, "bro I have two pieces of bad news for you." I told him to combine them. He replied with, "your girlfriend is cheating on both of us."

How do you throw a surprise party at a hospital?

Bring a strobe light into the epilepsy ward.