Tool jokes
How do you count cows with a cowculator?
What did the wire say to the electrician?
"Stop twisting my nuts!"
I’ll never forget my grandpa's last words to me...
“Are you still holding the ladder??”
What is small, red, and sitting in the corner?
A baby playing with a scalpel.
What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon? One is fun to hit with a sledgehammer, the other is just a watermelon.
What's worse than locking your keys in the car in front of an abortion clinic?
Having to go back inside and ask to borrow a hanger.
What does Drake call his rake?
Da-Rake.
What is a panda's favorite cooking implement?
A pan-duh.
I will always remember my uncle's last words, "What's the shovel for?"
Trust your calculator. It's something to count on.
What did Santa use as a candy cane?
Wait, wait, I said it wrong.
Okay.
What did Santa use to do his garden...never mind.
Dcexcedcrd.
A jumping cable walked into a bar and the bartender said,
"I will serve you, but don't start anything!"
How do you fit 53 babies into a box?
First get a blender...
A little girl and a little boy are taking a bath together when the little girl looks down and asks, "What's that?" The little boy says, "That's my little red race car." 10 minutes later, the boy looks down and asks, "What's that?" The little girl says, "That's my little red race car garage."
So later that night the boy asks the little girl if he can put his little red race car in her little red race car garage. She says yes, and they pull down their pants and the boy tries putting his little red race car in her garage, but it won't fit. Downstairs, the mother hears an ear-piercing scream and runs upstairs, flips on the lights, and sees blood on the floor. The mother asks, "What happened?" The little girl says, "We tried putting his car in my garage and it wouldn't fit, so I cut the back wheels off."
Where do sheep go to shop? Shears.
Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart. I made sure it didn't outsmart me.
How do you get ten babies in a bowl? A blender. How do you get them out? Doritos.
My new leaf blower doesn't work. It sucks.
My family is like treasure. I need a map and shovel to find them.