There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night. The police told us to stay inside until they shot him.
As a son, I was starting to do pranks. I told my mom’s boyfriend that she cheated on him and she doesn’t want to be with him anymore, and I told him that my mom said that he had a small penis. He left my mom, and she was mad at me. I thought it was funny.
Then I told my friend’s girlfriend that he cheated on her with another girl, and the girl told me that my friend had a small penis. He found out and wanted to confront me in my house. I wasn’t home. My friend told my mom what happened. Then my mom said the same thing happened to me. I came home one day, I saw my mom giving my friend a blow job. I asked what’s going on. My friend told me, "Your mom is my new girlfriend," and my mom said, "This is the penis of my dreams."
My son caught me masturbating the other day and was like dad what are you doing? I said don’t worry you’ll be doing it soon. He said why is that? I told him my arm is getting tired.
Why did the dumb blonde pee inside the condom?
Because the doctor told the dumb blonde that the dumb blonde was going to get a urine test!
I didn't mean to call an Afghanistan hotline. I told them I was depressed, then they asked if I know how to drive a truck. I don't know how that has anything to do with it!
I'm a pilot and my boss told me to fly people to New York, so I flew them to New York and hit the towers. That was a tragic story.
This anorexic girl wanted to fight me. I told her that I would roast her, but she didn't have any meat.
I told my friends that are gay that my hairline's straighter than he will ever be.
I threw a lamp at an emo kid and told him to lighten the f*ck up.
9/11 isn't something we should joke about. Some people can remember where they were when they found out. I'll never forget where I was when I found out.
It was 9:37, September 10th, 2001. I was in a cave in Iraq when my friend Mohammad told me.
My grandma told me I was next at my brother's wedding, so I told her she was next at her husband's funeral.
My mom told me a joke about boxing.
I guess I missed the punch line.
My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.
I told my mom I'm happy and she said: "I didn't know you were gay."
Why did the author go to the emergency room?
His editor told him he needed an appendix removed.
I told a cookie a joke the other day.
It just crumbled.
I was always told as a kid that I have to pick between being a programmer and an English teacher.
They said: you can't be a "pro-grammer nazi."
What’s a lung’s favorite type of exercise?
Breathing exercises.
I told this to my English teacher, and he said it to the class, and no one laughed. Someone help!
I told one of my friends, "You're the reason why gene pools have lifeguards."
A guy told a beautiful girl, "Hey, I want to make love to you. If I throw $2000 when you go to pick it up, that's when I'll go. Is that okay?"
She called her husband, and he said, "Okay, but pick it up fast so he doesn't have time to pull his pants down."
Four hours later, she shows up to her house and tells her husband, "THAT FUCKER PAID IN COINS!"
