Told jokes

I told my friends that are gay that my hairline's straighter than he will ever be.

I threw a lamp at an emo kid and told him to lighten the f*ck up.

This anorexic girl wanted to fight me. I told her that I would roast her, but she didn't have any meat.

Why did the author go to the emergency room?

His editor told him he needed an appendix removed.

Why did the dumb blonde pee inside the condom?

Because the doctor told the dumb blonde that the dumb blonde was going to get a urine test!

What’s a lung’s favorite type of exercise?

Breathing exercises.

I told this to my English teacher, and he said it to the class, and no one laughed. Someone help!

I told my mom I'm happy and she said: "I didn't know you were gay."

My mom told me a joke about boxing.

I guess I missed the punch line.

I told one of my friends, "You're the reason why gene pools have lifeguards."

My son caught me masturbating the other day and was like, "Dad, what are you doing?" I said, "Don't worry, you'll be doing it soon." He said, "Why is that?" I told him, "My arm is getting tired."

I told a cookie a joke the other day.

It just crumbled.

I was always told as a kid that I have to pick between being a programmer and an English teacher.

They said: you can't be a "pro-grammer nazi."

My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.

My boss told me I have a preoccupation with vengeance... We'll see about that!

Was threatened with legal action off my postman this morning!! I was stood havin a smoke when he asked if my dog bites, I said no. Halfway down my path the dog jumped up and bit him on his testicles!! Screaming out in pain he Said I was a lying bitch cos I told him my dog didnt bite!! Told him mine doesnt!! that wasnt my dog!!!

A guy told a beautiful girl, "Hey, I want to make love to you. If I throw $2000 when you go to pick it up, that's when I'll go. Is that okay?"

She called her husband, and he said, "Okay, but pick it up fast so he doesn't have time to pull his pants down."

Four hours later, she shows up to her house and tells her husband, "THAT FUCKER PAID IN COINS!"

My friend wanted to say egg puns, so I told him, "Omelette you do your egg jokes."

Bully: I wouldn't bother wasting my time on a shit person like you.

Me: At least I have a brain unlike you.

Bully: Well at least I have a mom unlike you.

Me: Well your mom is so fat that she got stuck in her car and started bleeding Nutella?

Bully: How would you know that?

Me: Because she told me herself.

Bully: How exactly?

Me: She's on the phone right now.

Phone: *High pitched animal noises*

Me: Told you so!

Kid: Where do I put this paper?

Teacher: I already said go ask your neighbors.

Kid: Ok. *Walks home to his neighbor's house*

Kid: Hey neighbor, I didn't know where to put this paper, and my teacher said to ask you. Do you know?

Neighbor: No, sorry, I don't.

Kid: Okay, bye! *Kid walks back to school.*

Kid: Teacher, my next-door neighbor didn't know.

Teacher: Ugh, you went home?!

Kid: Yes, you told me to!

Teacher: I meant at school!

Kid: Ohhhhhh!

Teacher: Duh!

Sam is a kindergartener. One day, Sam’s teacher told him to learn the first few letters of the alphabet. Later that night, Sam asked his moody sister what the first letter of the alphabet was, and she replied with “Oh, what’s the point. Life is meaningless...”.

Sam then went up to his room and found his brother crying on the floor. Sam asked him what the next letter was. “I hate you!” said Sam’s brother, so Sam left the room. Sam went to his mom and asked her what the third letter was. “You stupid f*****,” his mom yelled at him. So Sam went to ask his Grandpa what the fourth letter is, and his grandpa didn’t reply, so Sam went to bed.

The next day, Sam’s teacher called on him to tell the class what the first letter is, and he answered with “Oh, what’s the point. Life is meaningless...” and the teacher sent him to the school counselor. As he left the room, he yelled at his teacher “I hate you!”

As Sam arrived at the counselor’s office, she said she had called his parents and they wanted him to be safe and locked up in a padded cell. “You stupid f*****,” Sam screamed as he heard the ambulance sirens getting nearer. As the ambulance drove away, Sam, in his straight jacket, was silent.