Told jokes

My mom told me a joke about boxing.

I guess I missed the punch line.

I told my mom I'm happy and she said: "I didn't know you were gay."

This anorexic girl wanted to fight me. I told her that I would roast her, but she didn't have any meat.

I threw a lamp at an emo kid and told him to lighten the f*ck up.

I told my friends that are gay that my hairline's straighter than he will ever be.

I'm a pilot and my boss told me to fly people to New York, so I flew them to New York and hit the towers. That was a tragic story.

Why did the dumb blonde pee inside the condom?

Because the doctor told the dumb blonde that the dumb blonde was going to get a urine test!

My friend said they were going to make a comeback. I told them to do it at the back of the throat.

My grandma told me I was next at my brother's wedding, so I told her she was next at her husband's funeral.

What’s a lung’s favorite type of exercise?

Breathing exercises.

I told this to my English teacher, and he said it to the class, and no one laughed. Someone help!

How did the coke seller react when someone told him a joke?

He CRACKed up.

Why did the author go to the emergency room?

His editor told him he needed an appendix removed.

I told a cookie a joke the other day.

It just crumbled.

I was always told as a kid that I have to pick between being a programmer and an English teacher.

They said: you can't be a "pro-grammer nazi."

My son caught me masturbating the other day and was like, "Dad, what are you doing?" I said, "Don't worry, you'll be doing it soon." He said, "Why is that?" I told him, "My arm is getting tired."

I told a kid in a wheelchair that he should use his rocket league booster.

My boss told me I have a preoccupation with vengeance... We'll see about that!

I told one of my friends, "You're the reason why gene pools have lifeguards."

My mom told me to make my dad smile, and she will give me $100, so I said, "The Cowboys are gonna win the Super Bowl." He smiled, but my mom didn't give it to me.

Anyways, I forgot about my package coming, and the mailman came, and I said, "I like your hat; teal looks nice on you," and he smiled, and my mom gave me $100.

A guy told a beautiful girl, "Hey, I want to make love to you. If I throw $2000 when you go to pick it up, that's when I'll go. Is that okay?"

She called her husband, and he said, "Okay, but pick it up fast so he doesn't have time to pull his pants down."

Four hours later, she shows up to her house and tells her husband, "THAT FUCKER PAID IN COINS!"