Told jokes

Kid: Mom! You lied to me!

Mom: When?

Kid: You told me that my little brother was an Angel!

Mom: Sooo?

Kid: Then why didn’t he fly when I threw him off the balcony?

Mom: WHAT!!!??!!

I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.

My mom told me to go to bed, but then I grabbed a drink and went in their room to say goodnight, and they looked like Adam and Eve on steroids!

My wife complained about me being childish. So I told her to get out of my fort.

My friend asked me why I know how to tie a noose.

I told them, "because I’m such a noose-ance."

A teacher was teaching her second-grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and asked him what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, “Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the workforce, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.”

“I still don't get it,” responded Little Johnny. “Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,” said the dad. “Okay then...good night,” said Little Johnny and went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole, he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, "OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the workforce, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!"

I was going from Germany to Austria, and I accidentally crossed the border illegally. When the police caught me, they told me I was a Nazi. I asked them, "Why?" They said I didn't see the border.

My doctor told me that I had to burn calories, so I took a fat kid and lit them on fire

I can barely remember the last words my uncle told me.

"Let go of my nose!"

A man who desperately wanted to be good after serving time in prison was visited by an Angel. "You want to change? You can still enter heaven on two conditions. You must bet on the horses with any money you have and pass your winnings to someone less fortunate, and you must never hold on to any beef." The Angel then disappeared.

The man did as was told and became generous and kind. As he emerged from the betting office with all his money, he would pass every penny of it all to a deserving person each and every time.

He, however, couldn't seem to avoid meat and would still eat it no matter what.

When he died, the Angel came back for him.

"But I'm undeserving; I can't come with you," he said.

"Yes, you can," replied the Angel, "you gave all your stake (steak) away."

My wife told me to stop being an idiot.

I told her, "Which one do you want?"

As a son, I am so worried about the phone call message that my mom got from a member of The CDC. It was on speaker, so me and mom both hear. The message told my mom that she needs to personally isolate because two of the new symptoms is having big titties and a great personality.

My wife told me to pass her lip stick, but I gave her a glue stick. Now she is not talking to me.

My sis is very funny. Her fave joke is:

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Mr. Nobody." "Mr. Nobody who?" "I just told you!"

I'm a pilot and my boss told me to fly people to New York, so I flew them to New York and hit the towers. That was a tragic story.

I told my sister to make a noise and hear what she said... "Cuckoo coo chew." #Owl🦉

My dad told me to stop with the suicide jokes, so I said I’ll cut it out.

Location is in London by the way.

One day a fatass came home and told his friend that he lost money.

His friend: "Oh for once you lost some pounds!"

How did Helen Keller's mom punish her? She put her in a circular room and told her to find the corner.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide," and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.