Told jokes

My mom wanted me to brush my hair.

And I just told her that even pet animals don't like their hair brushed...

My therapist told me that time heals all wounds. So I stabbed him, now we wait.

I was crying at school and telling my friends that my grandpa died. Then I told them I still remember his last words. They wanted to hear them. They are: "you still holding the ladder?"

I told a seal a joke, it went like this: "Why did the kid cross the playground?" He said, "Why?" I said, "To get to the other slide." And then he said, "That's the sealiest thing I've ever heard!"

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

"Father, where is the United States?" Hans asked.

His father pointed at a map of North America.

"Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be?" he questioned his father.

The man pointed towards the Soviet Union.

"And I’m told we’re also at war with the British Empire. Where is that?"

The father pointed out all of the territories owned by the British.

"Where is Germany again, Father?"

He pointed to their home country in Central Europe.

Hans pondered this information for a second. "One last question, Father."

"Yes?"

"Has Hitler seen this map?"

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that, as a punishment, she won't eat butter for 1 month.

Today I saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her "nice try".

I told my mother I wanted a brother for Christmas. The next day, I saw her in the strip club across the street.

I told the doctor I didn’t want a brain surgery. But he changed my mind.

Mickey Mouse went to a psychologist and told him, “I’m having problems with my girlfriend.”

The psychologist said, “You mentioned that you think she is crazy.”

He said, “I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she’s fucking Goofy!”

This girl told me people call her ugly because she is disabled. I told her to stand up for herself.

I told my girlfriend that the world is flat.

She said, "but the world is round."

I said, babe, you are my world.

Have I told you the joke about the airplane? Ah, forget it, it probably just went over your head.

Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart. I made sure it didn't outsmart me.

My son said he burnt food on accident, so I told him he was an accident.

My mom told me it's not healthy to stay in my room all day... but the only places I'm allowed to go to are my room and downstairs.

So I went to my friend's house and he told me to make myself at home, so I kicked him out. I don't like visitors.

My wife told me, "Don't buy 1 gun while on your trip," so I decided to buy 2 guns instead.

I came home from school one day and told my cat a kid at school said I was an idiot and told me to go kick rocks, so I did, except I kicked him, not the rocks, and I called him the idiot for not moving out of the way.

Your mum is so old that when I told her to act her age, she died.

I got an orphan an iPhone 6. I told him to press the home button. He has been doing it all day.