Told jokes

Never mind if I told you, it would go straight through your head.

"Beast Boy Four"

This man came up to me and asked if I could sell my house to him, and I said sure. Then five days later, he said that the loan should come in the mailbox. Then I checked the mailbox, and the only thing I saw was nothing, so I told the guy, "DEEZ NUTS IN YOUR MOUTH!"

Woman one: "I got so mad at my GPS today that I told it to go to hell!"

Woman two: "Did that work?"

Woman one: "Well, it took me to my in-laws’ house."

I talked to a future suicide bomber. I told him, "ISIS ain't got sh** on me because I planted a bomb and lived."

I told a crying kid to wipe his tears and come back smiling.

He never came back the next day, says the local news.

Just before lockdown began, a woman took her 15-year-old son, Tom, and 14, 16, and 18-year-old daughters Sally, Mary, and Annie and went to the family cabin in the mountains to wait it out, while her husband stayed in town as an essential worker.

The weekly family Zoom call went well enough...until the 8th week when the father noticed the 14-year-old was looking a little...plump. By the 20th week, the 16-year-old's shirt was starting to pull taut over her tummy, by the 25th the curve of the 18-year-old's belly was rising over the edge of the table her laptop was perched on, and by the 30th week his wife and all 3 girls were very obviously 6 months pregnant, and the poor 14-year-old was so huge she was obviously having triplets.

So the father waited until he'd talked to his wife and daughters, and then asked if he could talk to his son alone.

"Look, I know your mom and the girls are all pregnant. I'm not mad, I just want to know how it happened. We don't have any neighbors up at the cabin, did you break quarantine and invite some hikers in, or go into town for supplies?"

"No, Pop, we haven't seen anyone since we left the city," his son told him earnestly. "And we sure haven't gone into town for supplies, I ran out of condoms on the second day here!"

Your hairline is so long that when you finally found the length of it, you told someone and they said, "Don't give me your phone number."

I walked into an orphanage and a kid was crying. I asked him what was wrong and he said some kids were bullying him. I told him to go tell his parents.

My husband told me to make him a sandwich. I was looking online for some comebacks. Someone online said, "You better come back with a goddamn sandwich!"

Kidnapper: Hey kid, your mom told me to follow me.

Orphan: But I don't have a mom!

I have a brother and he told me this quote, "No wonder they had a second child, they messed up on the first one." He’s the second child... I’m the first...

I saw some kid following me, so I told him to go back to his family.

Orphan: "What family?"

My friend told me I should be a stand up comedian but... I prefer sitting.

My friend asked me why I haven’t had milk in six years.

I told him my dad never came back with it.

Simba was walking too slow so I told him to Mufasa.

Somebody told me to cheer up so.... I told him to pass me a rope :)

I asked my dad, "Are we there yet?" and he told me, "Don't worry, son, it will be a short ride!"

I asked someone why they were crying. They told me that they had to abort their twins.

Then someone yelled "DAMN DOUBLE HOMICIDE!"

This is the song we all misunderstood: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2S0QhGGO1gQ

"He said, "One day, you'll leave this world behind, so live a life you will remember." My father told me when I was just a child, "These are the nights that never die." My father told me."

Whenever I think about it deeply, it makes me wanna cry :(

I was in a haunted house today. Nothing scared me until I reached the last room, where I saw the scariest Halloween ghost I've ever seen. He took my pens and ghosted. I was told that I saw Pristiano Penaldo and I was lucky enough to see him because he performs once in a blue moon.