Told jokes

Ask someone to call you a bitch. When they do, tell them, "Bitches do as they are told!"

The other day my wife told me to pass her her lipstick, but I accidently passed her a glue stick... she still isn't talking to me.

I told this man to rev his vehicle.

Didn't know wheelchairs can't rev.

So, my mom was talking to me and told me to go to the store. When I get there, there’s a sign, but then someone tells me that’s just someone with a ginormous forehead.

I told some orphan that you can see your family, but I meant Spider-Man: Homecoming...

I asked a man for ten dollars for a cup of coffee. The man said coffee was only a quarter. I told him I was putting all my begs in one ask-it.

Today, me and my best friend went to the Grand Canyon. He was taking up all the space by the edge, and I told him to back up. R.I.P. to him.

My mother told me to be positive, but she said that when I was going to do an AIDS test.

I was walking to the store, and then this boy told me, "I'm an orphan and I have no money." He wanted M\&Ms. I gave him a family-sized bag.

I told my kids to smile with the monkeys in the open zoo.

They never got together at all.

I asked my dad, "Are we there yet?" and he told me, "Don't worry, son, it will be a short ride!"

What happens when an orphan is told that someone had found their parents?

They cry...

They scream... with joy.

"Oh wait, no, that wasn't your parents."

Orphan grabs a knife out of the kitchen, lets just say, the orphan didn't live to tell the tail...

I made a joke about putting babies in the microwave and got told I was a disgusting person.

So from now on I’ll only make baby in the deep fryer jokes.

My dad told me and my sister to stop arguing, so I threw her out the window instead.

When we told Twin Towers to put on airplane mode, we didn't mean a real airplane.

My sister told me she liked Medusa.

I said, "Huh?"

My sister said my blow jobs are so good she looks up at the guy's facial expression, and when they look down, they do nothing but stay still.

Mom: It's time for sleep.

Baby: Is that what you think, huh?

Mom: *gives baby pacifier*

Baby: Nice try, hobo.

Mom: Well, I'll come back later to see if he's gone asleep.

*few hours later*

Baby: *still awake*

Mom: Why IS HE NOT ASLEEP?!

Baby: Lol, I told you nice try haha.

My mom told me, "You son of a b!tch." I told her, "I may be a son of a b!ch but at least I am not the bitch." She hated me forever.

My sis is very funny. Her fave joke is:

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Mr. Nobody." "Mr. Nobody who?" "I just told you!"

I told her "I love you." She said, "I love me too."