Today Jokes

I called my dog 5 miles. Today, I fan over my miles.

My owl turned 180 today.

He isn’t old, he just has a bad neck.

I feel bad for cumming on my turtle

Why the fuck would I do that. I should have never masturbated in front of my turtle. So basically I was watching porn in my 55 inch tv and my turtle was next to me in the couch. The porno was really old. It was a DVD from 2002. It was probably the hottest porn I have ever watch and honestly I'm probably going to watch porn on dvd instead from the internet. The only reason I had my turtle with me was because whenever I cum, I feel really depressed and lonely, so I thought that if my turtle watched with my I wouldn't feel lonely. Well I started stroking my willie, I used lotion, i took all my clothes off, but my dumbass forgot the tissues. I realized that I forgot to grab tissues but it was too late. I was going to cum. I didn't want to cum everywhere so I had to think fast. It was when I saw my turtle when I realized what I had to do. I came like a motherfucker. My turtle was painted with my cum in his tiny little face and all around his shell. He didn't say a word about it, he didn't move, he just stood there looking at me like I killed a bunch of children. I would never forgot the look my turtle gave me. His disappointing face broke my heart. I put on my clothes, I took my turtle to the bathroom and cleaned him off. What happened, happened. But my turtle would never forgot what happened. My turtle, Tommy, would never forgive me. Today, I passed by him and I know he still remembers what i did to him 3 hours ago. My only wish, is that one day, Tommy the turtle will forgive me for my horrible sins.

Pulled pork? Yeah i cranked my hog today too.

My son wore his new 'Go Vegan' Hoodie for the first time today and already he's been verbally abused as well as being punched, kicked & spat on!!!! And he's not even left the house yet!!!

I Left my Avatar at home today

Blame Austria for creating Hitler who we know today. He failed art school.

Today sucked my girlfriend got hit by a car and I lost my job as an Uber driver

Qassem Soleimani is so popular today. I mean he just blew up overnight

Husband: my wife and I went to the beach today Husband: She was wearing a blue wetsuit Husband: The second we entered the beach Pedestrians: TSUNAMI TSUNAMI

what did the customer ask when he went to the cannibal restaurant? who's the specialty today.

Today there was a line to punch me. Yeah that was the PUNCH LINE.

Met the emo kid today he was pretty chill he was just hanging out

My girlfriend broke up with me today. Her mom had to take her to daycare😢😢😢

I was at school today and one of my friends said after a test man that was hard. After that I started laughing and I said that’s what she said.

I woke up today and my mom said it was 1940

Some weird kid came into school today with his tagging gun, he tagged my friend really good. At the end he tagged 12 students and 1 teacher VICTORY ROAYAL ✌