Time jokes

My grandpa has a world record for holding his breath. He's been holding it for 6 years.

A doctor walks up to a dying man and sadly says: "I'm sorry, the test shows you only have 10 more to live."

The man says "10!? 10 what!? Years? Weeks? Days? What?!!?"

The doctor calmly replies "Nine".

What is the difference in having a granny fetish and necrophilia? A few weeks.

Why do the Japanese hate Christmas?

Because the last time a Fat Man came down the chimney, they lost half their population.

What do a pedophile and a clock have in common? Neither of them go past 12.

What does a priest and a wristwatch have in common? They both start at 12.

I'm a fast reader, I can go through 20 stories in a few seconds.

I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.

One time, I broke up with my Roblox girlfriend by sending her a message. Thirty seconds later, I heard my uncle crying in the next room.

I've just been fired from the clock-making factory after all those extra hours I put in.

What's the difference between Johnny Depp and an Aussie bloke in Bali?

Both are expert drunks, but the Aussie is 100 times better kept. Johnny Depp, in contrast, looks like a demented leader of a violent drug cartel.

A man is walking on the deck of a cruise ship, when he sees a woman, without arms and legs, crying. The man says "What's wrong?" The woman says "I've never been hugged before." So, the man gives her a hug and walks away.

The next day, the man sees the woman, on the deck, crying again. The man says "What's wrong, now?" The woman says "I've never been kissed before." So, the man gives her a kiss and walks away.

The next day, the same thing occurs. The man says "Oh, for Christ's sake! What's wrong, this time?!" The woman says "Well, I've never been fucked before." So, the man picks her up, throws her into the ocean, and yells "YOU'RE FUCKED!"

A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "Well... My oldest son just came out..." The man finishes the shots and leaves the bar. The next day, the man comes back and orders four shots. "What now?" the bartender asks. "My middle son just came out." The man finishes his drinks and leaves. He comes back the next day and orders five shots. "Again?" the bartender asks. "Yeah. My youngest son." He drinks his shots and leaves. The next day, he comes in again. This time, he orders ten shots. "My God! Is there anyone in your family that likes girls??" the bartender asks. "Yeah... My wife."

Yo mama is so fat, it took Nationwide 15 years to get on her side.

I think my coworkers are gay. -- Every time I walk by, they mumble, "What an ass."

When the Lego box says 6-99 years but you eat it in 20 minutes.

"Monica Lewinsky has gone down on Bill Clinton several times. What's stopping her from having a one-night stand with Donald Trump?"

"Trump is nothing more than a little pussy, don't ya know?"

Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages?

Because there were too many knights.

A kid annoyed me the other day. I told him to shut up and go back to his parents. That's the last time I'm going to an orphanage.

As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.

Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.