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Kid

James

An apple and an emo kid fall off a tree at the same time. Who hits the ground first?

The apple because the emo kid got caught by the rope

Wind

Shujiko

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.”

The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.”

The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.”

The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”

Plane

groundwork

I’m old enough to remember innocent times when the worst headline was plane hijackers flying into buildings.

Difference

Anonymous

What’s the difference between a black & a white fairy tail? White begins, “Once upon a time…” Black begins, " Yall mutherfuckers aint gonna believe dis shit"

Dawn

Anonymous

What time do butts get up? At the crack of dawn!!!

Toilet

Paul Bartram

I got in touch with my inner self today, it’s the last time I use 1 ply toilet roll

Clock

Anonymous

how to make time fly

answer throw a clock out of the window

Mumbling

Anonymous

I think my coworkers are gay. – Every time I walk by, they mumble, “What an ass.”

People

Anonymous

In my free time, I like to help blind people

Verb, not adjective

Depression

Anonymous

Next time at walmart I’m going to scan my wrist they are basically barcodes

Shooting

Corbin

How do you kill time

Easy taking alarm clock and an assault rifle

Sister

Hi

As a little boy I walked in on my parents having intercourse one night, and of course, my parents stopped and sent me back to bed.

The next day my dad tells me “Don’t worry son, I wasn’t hurting mommy, we were just trying to make you a little sister.”

So, when I was young I always wanted a pet. I then looked at my father and asked “Could you do mommy doggy style next time? I want a puppy.”

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Smile

hewo

are you a camera? because every time I look at you I smile

Make

Anonymous

Why can’t Indians play football… cause every time they take a corner they make a shop

Bad

Shatter_Frost

I remember the first time I went to one of Luis Fonsi’s concerts… I wanted to commit DEATHpacito so badly.

Fish

Anonymous

two men are hunting. one asks: did you ever hunt bear? the other one answers: no, but one time i went fishing in my shorts

Girl

Anonymous

why did the girls sit on the clock. To be on time

Cow

Anonymous

What did the mother cow say to the baby cow? “It’s pasture bed time.”

Puns

Overwatch_Gamer321

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive… It’s a good thing my older brother told me about it.

Eating

Anonymous

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Seven’s been worried about six even since he left Afghanistan. Every time 6 closes his eyes, he sees the war and hears the gunshots. He sees the blood, the killing, the death, and soldiers falling. When he looks at seven, he remembers when they were forced to eat their own flesh to not starve in those caves. He sees the war and the flashbacks will come back forever, burned into his soul and mind.

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