Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work. Paddy agrees to tell Seamus` wife the bad news. He knocks on the door and Seamus` wife answers. " Whats happened Paddy?" Paddy frowns. " Im sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, im so sorry." She started to cry and asked paddy: " Did he at least die quickly?" Seamus shook his head, " No, he got out 3 times for a pee."
I asked my mum why she’s depressed, she said her life has been a wreck? I asked how long has it been, she then asked when I was born
I really hate waiting to die..... Its taking a lifetime
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Why don’t emo girls go to self checkout
Because every time they scan it scans twice.
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Bf:what do you think about our love?
Gf:count the stars in the sky
Bf:aww its infinity
Gf:nope just a waste of time
I would roast you, but your mirror does every time you look into it.
Children are like a box of Christmas decorations. I keep ‘em in my basement until it’s time to hang ‘em from a tree.
I don't need to go to the car dealership when I have a Geico scanner on my arm at all times 😏
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What’s the difference between a clock and an orphans dad? The clock comes back around.
What do you call you're daughter's boyfriend when he brings her back past 10pm?
An ambulance
An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas. "I don't understand it, Doc", she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas". "Thankfully", she added, "they are at least silent when I fart". Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him. The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled. The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".
Sonic Can run around the world in a second. In that same time, Chuck Norris can run around the Universe.
Girl: how much do you love me Me: count the stars in the sky Girl awww it’s infinite Me no just a waste of time
You wanna know how to get rid of potential scam callers?
Next time you get a call from them just answer the phone and say "Pizza Hut abortion clinic where yesterday's loss is today's sauce, how may I help you?"
girl: daddy ive been a bad girl priest: for the last time its father I have sinned
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
