Time jokes

Why are history teachers always women? Because they like to bring up the past.

When was the last time you could see your whole body in the mirror?

A guy tried to suffocate himself with his BMW exhaust, but his engine failed.

This is the first time German engineering fails to gas someone.

I went home to my girlfriend with milk! She said, "Oh thank you honey!"

Then I got a call from a girl named Melissa. She called and said, "Steven, where the hell have you been? It's been two weeks and you still haven't come back yet?"

Why don't Indians play soccer?

Because every time they get a corner, they open up a shop.

But when?

Why don't Indians play soccer?

Because every time they get a corner, they build a shop on it.

Your hairline is so far back my grandpa said he had a glimpse of it in the 1960s.

How are this joke and the kid with cancer alike?

It never gets old.

Teacher: "Hey, James, this is the third time I asked you a question!"

James: "But you told me not to answer you back!"

I don't wanna brag, but I finished a puzzle in under a week, and it said 2-4 years on the box.

What type of people have the world record for most stories read in the shortest amount of time?

Emos, some of them are still in the air.

My mom tells me when I get into an argument with her that she brought me into this world and she can take me out. Sometimes I wanna tell her that I can do that for her.

Every time I make a 9/11 joke, it bombs.

I met Lebron James, and he was so bald at the time that I could count his hairs.

And that's 1 hair and maybe 2.

Being raped is like a dance; sometimes it hurts, sometimes it hurts more.

I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.

Billy: Hey kid, why are you sad?

Orphan: Oh, I'm waiting for my parents.

Billy: Oh, and how long have you been here?

Orphan: About 200 years.

My hair goes just onto my collar bones. WOW! That's longer than I'll live.

Why do kids prefer to spend more time with their dad than their mom?

They already know that their dad is gonna get "Milk" and never return.