Time jokes
What is more time-consuming than children?
Waiting for your wife to go into labor!
Yo mama is so fat, it took Nationwide 15 years to get on her side.
What does a clock do when he's still hungry?
He goes back "four" seconds!
What is white, black, and blue all at the same time?
Barack Obama.
I stayed up all night trying to follow the sun... Then it dawned on me.
One time, I bought a magnet. My wife asked why I bought it. I said I couldn't help myself; I felt attracted to it.
The Middle Ages were called the dark ages because there were too many knights.
People say that life is short.
I say... life is the longest thing we ever do.
Time for a story: There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off. How many are left? 499.
What are the 3 steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? Open fridge, put in elephant, close fridge.
What are the 4 steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge? Open fridge, take out elephant, put in giraffe, close fridge.
The lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend except one, who is it? Giraffe, he's stuck in the fridge.
Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across safely, how? The alligators where at the birthday party.
Sally dies anyway. How? She got hit in the head by a flying brick.
What did the watch say to the failing watch company?
"You better watch it!"
Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day.
Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" shouts Molly.
"Correct," says the teacher.
The next day the teacher asks, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack's pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" she shouts.
"Correct again," says the teacher.
The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.
This time the teacher asks her, "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"
Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm going to crack it in half!"
A calendar asked the doctor how many time he's got left. The doctor replied: "'Til December."
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
Same time next month?
What do a pedophile and a clock have in common? Neither of them go past 12.
I ate a time machine once, it was very time-consuming. Especially when I went back four seconds.
You know every time we think of sex, an angel dies.
We ran out of dead people hundreds of years ago.
What’s red, nine inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry every time she sees it?
Her abortion.
Person: I'd really like it if you'd stop saying my name all the time.
Random Person: Cheesus! That hurt!
Person: SERIOUSLY!?!?
Chuck Norris lit a campfire, and humans saw the sun for the first time.
Once upon a time... Chuck Norris stepped on a Lego. R.I.P. the Lego piece.