I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.
6:30 is the best time on a clock... hands down.
Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
My town's population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
I thought of having a threesome, but then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents.
I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. -- It's seven.
In my spare time I help blind children. -- I mean the verb, not the adjective.
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?"
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m., and his wife is livid. "You swore that you'd be home by 11:45!"
"No," slurs the mathematician, "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde, and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard, and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The old lady thinks, "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde, and she struck the pervert."
The blonde thinks, "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me, and she slapped him."
The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark, and she slapped me by mistake."
The Englishman thinks, "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."
Yo mama so fat, she curves space and time.
Chuck Norris was a kamikaze pilot. 12 times.
A time traveler walks into a bar.
He orders a beer and a shot of whiskey.
What did the beach say as the tide came in?
Long time, no sea.
Who do you want on your basketball team in heaven?
Peter. He can deny Jesus three times.
Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages?
Because there were too many knights.
The past, present, and future walk into a bar.
It gets really tense.
