Threat jokes

Bippity Boppity, I'm gonna shoot you off my property!

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office account, I'll make you pay. You have my word!

What did Bonnie say to Chica?

"Go kill yourself, dumbass bitch."

A kid is arrested for a school shooting threat. He is then apprehended and asked why he wanted to do this. He responds with, "What do you mean? I already did it." Then the police ran back to the school to apprehend the other people he was planning it with. The cops busted in through the doors, which caused a smoke trap to go off, which then the cops saw three people walk in and the police begin to fire. But as the smoke began to clear, the cops saw that the three people were 16 kids duck taped to rolling poles, 4 per pole. Back at the station, holding the kid being apprehended, the kid puts his feet up on a chair and said, "Aww, it pays to be lazy!"

Bully: I'm going to hurt you so bad.

You: Well... your IQ is the same amount of teeth I'm about to knock out, so... you're so dumb that you can't even do that.

And your IQ is 5.

My wife said if I don't get off the computer, she's gonna slam my head into the keyboard, but I think I'll ajlkfsdhnvkwr;anhf.

A Christian Missionary walks up to some people and says, "Come! Meet Jesus!"

One of the guys takes out a knife and says, "You first."

My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.

I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.

"Have a nice day" and "enjoy the next 24 hours" mean the same thing, but one sounds like a threat.

I got a phone call from a guy labeled "assassin" saying my life will end soon. I seriously doubt that he w- *gunshot*

Oompa Loompa Doobity doo, I got a glock and it’s pointing at you.

Bligitty blot, bliggity blit,

You better not be talkin' shit. 🔫

Roses are red, Get on the ground, Gimme your stuff, Get ready to drown!

How many times does 47 fit into 9?

Get in the van and find out.

My mom said if I'm awake playing Roblox still, she said she was going to bang my head against the keyboard. hxhdhduhxbsfj.

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with their heads cut off.

I think I'm being stalked.

You are so scary that even your hairline ran away.

An assassin threatens a planet.

The planet remains calm.

The assassin: "Do you not realize the gravity of this situation?"

My name is Dan, I wear white Vans, I have a gun, get in the van!

Q: What do you say to a kid who threatens to beat you up?

A: We can always rearrange your liver 😏