Threat Jokes

A man broke into Stevie Wonder's house and threatened to kill his wife.

He just turned a blind eye.

Brian was shopping at a mall. He hopped onto an escalator. Next to him were two people having an argument. Eventually, one of them pulled out a pocket knife threatening to stab the other. Brian murmured "Well, that escalated quickly..."

What did the mother cheetah say to her cub?

"Go to bed or I'll slap your spots off you!"

"Fuck off for I killed him, bum bum."

Your soul is black. I have 4 guns, little kid. Get in the van before I shoot you!

The image shows a yellow cartoon duck standing in a dark room, with a sword visible behind it. Above the duck are speech bubbles with text: 'im not gonna ask you again where are the grapes'

Living in Houston, Texas, and realizing that hurricanes are an annual threat, my ex-wife called me and asked what would be the safest route to get out of Houston to avoid a hurricane. My answer? Take the 610 loop, dear!

A person told an orphan to not move; otherwise, they would kill their parents. What did the orphan do?

It danced its a** off.

"Bippity Bobbity Boo, Boo Radley is coming for you!"

If you are friendly on a game, should I will kill you in the game? You should say, "Will, if you did kill me, I will tell my more friendly to ban you from the game." The friendly should [ask], "What you got?" Friendly on the game [replies], "Jack, you are not my friendly, the all friendly you be ban, if you don't get it, will have fun." If you don't like the text, I am come for you. Ok, now like it, the end.

Roses are red, violets are not lime, if you turn around, I will fist you anytime.

Mrs. Kadie, I just heard about a FGTEEV video about vegan nuggets.

Duddy: Sup FGTEEVERS, me and James Marsden just got some Chick-fil-A.

Viewers: Got ya again Mrs. Kadie.

Mrs. Kadie: Vincent and James, I am going to push you off your roof.

Duddy and James: AHHHHHHH!

Listen, if my mom sees me on Roblox at 3 a.m., she said she would bang my head against the keyboardndfndfnnckvnksdvknkdsfnvbfw.

The woman had a dick, lol, it's your mom ahahahahahaha, yeah YOU! Jhon man! In New York City I am on to you! I will be under your bed tonight lol get a bodyguard!

Knock knock. Who's there? Ivana. Ivana who? Ivana kick your a**!

Do nut get in my way.

"I will kill you with knife and gun, get ready, Explain Bear, stupid f***."

I learned that a strangler was targeting me.

All I could think was, "You’ve got to be choking me!"

jacethehater, you are a hater, and it needs to stop! Waterhsharky is very nice to people, so leave him alone for whatever he/she did or did not do. He did not do nothing. So leave him/her alone. Plus, making threats to people is very bad, and comments can be seen everywhere! So don't get too cocky with everything.

When I'm peeing in a toilet I don't pee directly into the water. I pee on the curved part of the bowl beside the water because I figure it splashes less, but when you're peeing that close to the edge, the sporadic tiny offshoots of pee become a greater threat.

I'm not sure if the accumulation of these offshoots is greater than the potential splashback from peeing mid-bowl. It's possible that I'm thinking about this too much, but it's also possible that I'm not thinking about this enough.