I once had an owl who I thought it would fly away.
Superman was flying one day when he saw Wonder Woman laying by the pool completely naked. He thought, "I can fuck her so fast she wouldn't even know what happened." So he then flew down to the pool and did fuck her.
Wonder Woman stood up and said, "What was that?" The Invisible Man said, "I don't know, but my asshole stinks!"
I was driving through a neighborhood when I saw a sign that said "Autistic Child Zone." Then I thought to myself, "Oh shit, that wasn't a dog!"
Somebody told me a chemistry joke. I thought it was sodium funny, I slapped my neon that one.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"
Yo mama is so stupid that she thought NASA is a gaming program!
I thought @$$hole trump was a businessman, not a broke man
Two mates walk into a bar.
Mate 1: "Shit! Look at that spider over there!"
Mate 2: "Whateverrrrrrr."
Mate 1: "No, seriously, it's bloody massive!"
Mate 2: "(Turns around) Shit, that's huge, I thought you were joking."
Mate 1: "No, I'm Fred King, Jo King's brother ;-)"
I got some new jeans yesterday, until I realized they didn't fit me around the waist, so I went looking for a belt. I couldn't find one. Then I had a really good idea. I could attach a ton of watches together to make a belt! But then I just thought it was a waste of time.
What happened when Obama ran for president?
The whole US thought, "Holy hell, it's Osama bin Laden!" Thought he was dead.
What happened to the blind man's son?
He thought he was hitting a piñata.
I went to the market to get eggs, and my sister thought that I meant my balls.
So, I was fucking this bitch, right, and I thought I had AIDS.
So I go and get tested. Turns out I did get AIDS. Now what I'm wondering is where the hell does an eight-year-old get AIDS?! I guess my sister needs new friends...
My friend's mother thought a kid who had autism and Down syndrome called him a "double down."
what did the porg say to the porg? Hi Porg
youre on worst jokes ever, you thought I put up a good joke? HAHAHAH!
Three men walk into a bar... you would have thought the last one would have ducked.
What did one brain cell say to the other brain cell?
"I think I feel a connection!"
Yo mama so stupid, she thought Fruit Ninja was a gay weeaboo!
Two blondes walk into a bar. I thought one of them would have seen it.
When Stephen Hawking died, he saw the stairway to Heaven.
He thought to himself, "Oh God, this is awkward!"
