A depressed man has been thinking of killing himself, and his friend says, "Find Jesus instead, he'll help you!"
And then the man says, "It's pretty hard to 'get help' from something that doesn't exist."
Yeah Who am I? Someone that's afraid to let go, uh You decide, if you're ever gonna let me know, yeah Suicide, if you ever try to let go, uh I'm sad I know, yeah, I'm sad I know, yeah Who am I? Someone that's afraid to let go, uh You decide, if you're ever gonna let me know, yeah Suicide, if you ever try to let go, uh I'm sad I know, yeah, I'm sad I know, yeah I gave her everything She took my heart and left me lonely I think broken heart's contagious I won't fix, I'd rather weep I'm lost then I'm found But it's torture bein' in love I love when you're around But I fuckin' hate when you leave Who am I? Someone that's afraid to let go, uh You decide, if you're ever gonna let me know, yeah Suicide, if you ever try to let go, uh I'm sad I know, yeah, I'm sad I know, yeah Who am I? Someone that's afraid to let go, uh You decide, if you're ever gonna let me know, yeah Suicide, if you ever try to let go, uh I'm sad I know, yeah, I'm sad I know, yeah Who am I? Someone that's afraid to let go, uh You decide, if you're ever gonna let me know, yeah Suicide, if you ever try to let go, uh I'm sad I know, yeah, I'm sad I know, yeah Who am I? Someone that's afraid to let go, uh You decide, if you're ever gonna let me know, yeah Suicide, if you ever try to let go, uh I'm sad I know, yeah, I'm sad I know, yeah
"I think my draco might be gay. Why? 'Cause he blow niggas."
Nardo Wick
What do you think would fall to the ground first, an emo kid or a leaf?
The leaf. The rope would stop the emo kid.
If you really think about it, every market in Africa is a black market.
I don't think my girlfriend likes it when I take my schizophrenia meds because she always goes away when I take them.
I don't think I could ever become a beggar. I really don't like change.
You. Me. Gas station. What are we getting for dinner? Sushi of course. Uh oh! There was a roofie in our gas station sushi. We black out and wake up in a sewer surrounded by fish.
Horny fish. You know what that means. Fish orgy. The stench draws in a bear. What do we do? We're gonna fight it. Bear fight. Bare handed. Bare, naked? Oh, yes please. We befriend the bear after we beat it in a brawl and ride it into a Chuck E. Cheese. Dance Dance Revolution. Revolution? Overthrow the government? Uh, I think so. Next thing you know, I'm reincarnated as Jesus Christ. Then I turn into a jet, fly into the sun, black out again, wake up, do a bump, white out, which I didn't even know you could do. Then I smoked a joint, greened out. Then I turn into the sun. Uh oh! Looks like the meth is kicking in. aklfhaofhasfahfakh AAAAAAAAA afahfioahflkf AAAAA
Two whores are watching the sun come up, splitting a bottle of Mad Dog and celebrating another night of servicing the general public. One asks the other: "Say. You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
Her friend thinks it over, "No...but I have been swung around by the tits a few times!"
I saw this one quote: "The people who smile the most are covering the most pain." I think this is true, just not with everyone. As I am really depressed and act like myself with my friends, but with my parents and family, I force a smile so they don't worry more than they do.
I did a test for my therapy session to see what level of depression I had. It came back with severe, 22/24, but I asked her to tell my mum it came back as moderate, saying I would tell her that my depression got worse. She went along with it, but I haven't told my mum and I now make things sound like I aren't as messed up as I truly am to my therapist.
I think my dad's gay because he goes out with his mates to get milk but never returns.
When I dunk my cookies in milk, I think of you. I hold them down until the bubbles stop.
I think your hairline is too stupid.
I think I need to kiss your butt.
I think your hairline might have the hiccups.
Answer to it: You might have to give it a wash in the shower.
A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.
Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."
Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"
Demon: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it."
Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"
Guy: "Golly."
Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."
Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."
Guy: "Wow."
Demon: "You like to do drugs?"
Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."
Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"
Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"
Demon: "You gay?"
Guy: "Uh, no."
Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."
What did the janitor think when he was mopping the 101st floor?
The 102nd.
I have been thinking about suicide lately. I mean, hey, my mom tells me I can do anything I put my mind to.
My uncle can't walk straight. I think it's because he's gay.
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 32,” is the reply.
“Nope! I’m exactly 50,” the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, “I’d guess about 29.” The woman replies with a big smile, “Nope, I’m 50.”
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.”
Again she proudly responds, “I’m 50, but thank you!”
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, “Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, “What the hell, go ahead.”
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay... How old am I?”
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 50.”
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”
“I was behind you at McDonalds’."
