Things jokes
What is one thing blind people and orphans have in common?
They both can't see their parents.
What's the worst thing that can happen to schools?
Quiet kids.
Don't you just hate it when your grandmas always complaining about things getting stuck between her false teeth, like my foreskin?
Grandpa: "Sonny, let me tell you something. There's only one damn thing in this whole world worse than Alzheimer's."
Boy: "What's that?"
Grandpa: "What's what?"
The most powerful thing in the world is babies. This is because they cry and get what every they want.
Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory!
Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: their legs.
The good thing about being gay in school is that you can be the best student and still get all the D's.
What's the best thing about a dead hooker? Refunds.
What do you call a large lamp that does illicit things to young children?
A Jacko Lantern!
What’s the best thing about dating an orphan?
You don’t need parental consent.
A man walks up to Lil Johnny one day and asks, "If you had one wish, but that wish will be granted to everyone on Earth... what would it be?"
So Lil Johnny thinks real hard and long, then said, "Well, I would wish for me to shit myself."
The man is shocked and asks why, and Lil Johnny replies, "Well, I would be on the toilet. I think everyone else would just be confused!"
What did Tennessee do?
The same thing Arkansas did.
What’s one good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in a school zone.
Little Johnny was walking down an alley and saw a lamp. After he rubbed it, a genie came out and said, "You have 10 seconds to have one wish." Little Johnny says he wants to pee alcohol. The genie grants his wish. He tells his family, and his sister doesn't believe it. After having a drink, she says, "We should have this every night!" Little Johnny gets two cups every night, one for him and his sister. He does the same thing for four nights. Eventually, he ran out of cups and has one left. He gives it to himself, and his sister asks, "Where's my cup?" Little Johnny replied, "You're drinking out of the bottle tonight."
Kobe Bryant and 9/11 are two things I don't joke about because when I do, they tend to crash and burn.
What is the last thing that goes through a fly's head when it hits the windshield?
Its butt.
There was a math teacher on a plane that crashed. What was the last thing that went through their head?
A pentagon!
(9/11 joke)
One time I saw a manatee all spray painted to look like a tiger. Needless to say, the first thing I yelled was, "OH! THE HUMANATEE!"
When you turn off all the annoying beeping things in the hospital, and everyone starts sleeping better.