Things jokes

Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.

There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.

Q. Why do orphans love elevators?

A. Because they're the only things to raise them.

Know what a 6.9 is?

Another good thing screwed up by a period.

Where are average things manufactured?

The satisfactory!

My wife said I didn’t listen to a single thing she says.

What a weird way to start a conversation!

What's the best thing about a dead hooker? Refunds.

The good thing about being gay in school is that you can be the best student and still get all the D's.

Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: their legs.

What do you call a large lamp that does illicit things to young children?

A Jacko Lantern!

A man walks up to Lil Johnny one day and asks, "If you had one wish, but that wish will be granted to everyone on Earth... what would it be?"

So Lil Johnny thinks real hard and long, then said, "Well, I would wish for me to shit myself."

The man is shocked and asks why, and Lil Johnny replies, "Well, I would be on the toilet. I think everyone else would just be confused!"

A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.

The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."

The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."

The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."

I am trying to re-comment something that used to be on here, but is no longer on here.

Here are some rules to make a good joke:

1: Don't say “my life.”

2: Proofread your joke and make sure people can read it/have good grammar in it.

3: And don’t repost things (although this last one is hypocritical because this was me trying to repost something, but it is still a good rule to go by).

What did Tennessee do?

The same thing Arkansas did.

What’s one good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in a school zone.

Little Johnny was walking down an alley and saw a lamp. After he rubbed it, a genie came out and said, "You have 10 seconds to have one wish." Little Johnny says he wants to pee alcohol. The genie grants his wish. He tells his family, and his sister doesn't believe it. After having a drink, she says, "We should have this every night!" Little Johnny gets two cups every night, one for him and his sister. He does the same thing for four nights. Eventually, he ran out of cups and has one left. He gives it to himself, and his sister asks, "Where's my cup?" Little Johnny replied, "You're drinking out of the bottle tonight."

Kobe Bryant and 9/11 are two things I don't joke about because when I do, they tend to crash and burn.

What is the last thing that goes through a fly's head when it hits the windshield?

Its butt.

One time I saw a manatee all spray painted to look like a tiger. Needless to say, the first thing I yelled was, "OH! THE HUMANATEE!"

When you turn off all the annoying beeping things in the hospital, and everyone starts sleeping better.

What's the only thing with 4 legs Asians don't eat? A table.