Things Jokes

I ran over my neighbor's cat last night, and I just want to say... that thing was fast! I had to run a red light to get it!

Father O'Reilly ran into a young woman whose mother attended his church at the market. "Ah, Mary Agnes, congratulations!"

She gave him a puzzled look. "On what?"

"Your mother tells me you've been praying to St. Gerard and finally got pregnant, it's a miracle."

Mary Agnes sighed. "My mother needs to get hearing aids if she's going to eavesdrop on my phone calls to friends. I said it'll be a miracle if I get pregnant since the only thing I'm fucking is a St. Bernard."

What's the hardest thing about being a pedophile?

Just trying to fit in.

Q: What's a pedophile's favorite thing about Halloween?

A: Free delivery.

A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Where'd you get that lovely thing?"

"Africa," the parrot replied.

Comment this emoji 🤣 if you can relate

Spider-Man is doing a weird stretch in a cartoonish style in front of a brick wall. The image is captioned with the text: "When you wake up from a 3 hour nap and do that weird stretch thing."

One day you see a girl climb a pole and ask her, "Why are you climbing that pole?" "Because a boy paid me to." "He did that to see your underwear." "Oh. Ok."

The next day you see her do the same thing. "Why are you doing the same thing?" "Well, I got him this time. I did not wear underwear."

Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to.

Unless you are in prison.

A man got fired from the first coin factory. He exclaimed, "No! This is the only thing that's ever made cents!"

A girl said to me yesterday, "I don't know why men act like they are better than women, we all know women are supreme." I was confused, so I asked her how, and she told me, "Well, us women have a pussy, ass, and tits, while guys only have a penis. Women have 3 things while guys only have 1. Women are obviously supreme over men." I told her, "Actually, guys have more than women." "How so?" "Men have rights."

My opinion on abortion is very divided. Like, on the one hand, I like the idea of killing babies, but I'm not really into this thing about women being able to make choices.

Freddie Mercury was on top of the music world. That's only the 2nd thing he was a top in.

Don't you just hate it when your grandmas always complaining about things getting stuck between her false teeth, like my foreskin?

What is one thing blind people and orphans have in common?

They both can't see their parents.

What's the fastest thing on earth?

An Ethiopian with a McDonald's Voucher.

The Good Old Days.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.