Things jokes

Why do orphans hate Christmas?

Father Christmas isn’t a thing.

These days, dating life is hard. You put yourself out there, and it's hard to find someone. The only thing to do is turn to family.

What’s the hardest thing to eat on a vegetable? The wheelchair.

There are two kids sitting in a classroom: Lily and John. Lily sleeps in class every day.

The teacher asks Lily who made heaven and earth. John pokes her with a pencil. She shouts, "Jesus Christ Almighty!"

The teacher says, "That's right."

The teacher says the next day she asks the same question. John pokes her with a pencil. She shouts, "Jesus Christ Almighty!"

"That's right," the teacher says.

The next day she asks Lily what did Eve say to Adam after their 100th. John pokes her again. "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'mma break it in half!" she shouts.

Soldiers, there is one thing you can be sure of: You will be at home with your families, in a jar on the mantelpiece.

What's the best thing about beating up orphans?

They can't tell their parents.

What's the best thing about a dead hooker? Refunds.

Why do people hit their electronics when they don’t work?

You keep the tradition of hitting black things.

Three cowboys are at a fire talking about the best things they have done.

Cowboy 1 says, "I have taken out a whole group of raiders with my bare hands."

Cowboy 2 says, "I have killed a herd of bulls with my thumb."

Cowboy 3 chuckles as he mixes the fire with his dick.

Why are Christmas trees banned in mental hospitals?

Because the ornaments wouldn't be the only things hanging.

Picture of yo mama last Christmas and the damn thing’s still printing.

A dog walked into a tavern and said, "I can't see a thing. I'll open this one."

The humor of it is probably related to the Sumer way of life (and has been lost), but the words remain.

What is one thing humans do before they eat?

They beat their meat to make nuggets.

There is only one thing I have to give my enemies.

A bucket full of dead baby heads and semen so they can replenish their spawn.

So, one day I walk up to my sister and tell her that she is adopted because she doesn't look like anyone in the family. She starts to cry. My mom asks why she's crying, and I say I told her she was adopted and I was there for the adoption, and we have papers. It was all a lie. She is not adopted, and everything is fine.

Know what a 6.9 is?

Another good thing screwed up by a period.

The worst thing about an owl is how they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

What's the fastest thing on earth?

An Ethiopian with a McDonald's Voucher.

The Good Old Days.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

My grandmother made her passage on the Titanic. The ship was not the only thing that went down.