Thief jokes
Someone broke into my house and took my anti-depressants... I hope they're happy now.
What do you get when Cayden steals your sandwich? A knuckle sandwich.
What’s the difference between a thief and a pervert?
One will snatch your watch, the other will watch your snatch.
One day there was a guy who robbed a bank. A customer at the bank while it happened got the police. Who was that? The police said......
It’s a wood hulem.
To whomever stole my anti-depression pills, I hope you're happy now.
To whoever stole my antidepressants, I hope you are happy now.
Knock knock. Who's there? Oswald. Oswald who? Oswald my Halloween candy and now it's stuck in my throat!
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
'Cause he doesn't want to be spotted.
When the police caught him stealing the batteries, he got immediately charged!
Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar?
He got 12 months.
Worst joke ever.
The bakery where I work is being robbed. I said to the people, "I am calling the police." Then I realized they did not come for the money; they came for the bread. Huh, go figure!
A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."
Why did the skeleton not rob the bank? He did not have the guts!
Why is the thief so good at basketball? Because he can shoot, steal, and run.
The man was absolutely delighted to find that every lamp in his house was stolen.
So I got asked why I suddenly started wearing a beret, and I said, "Well, you never know when you need to pick a lock."
Some people think "prison" is one word, but to robbers, it's a whole sentence.
A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.
A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!
Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."
Who do you call someone that steals his brother's girlfriend and [is] disowned by his whole family? Brandon.
So, some thieves robbed me the other day. They took everything I owned, except for the soap, towels, and deodorant.
Dirty bastards.