They're jokes

I never do dark jokes, but when I feel like it, I prefer orphan jokes, 'cause they're the safest option. I mean, what are they gonna do, call their parents?

Why don't dinosaurs lay eggs?

Because they're EGGstinct!

What do an X-Box and Michael Jackson have in common? They're both made of plastic and little kids turn them on.

A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.

However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.

So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.

He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.

The man replies, “No.”

The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”

The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”

“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”

“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”

Why can't orphans be criminals?

Because they're not wanted.

What does Michael Jackson and maths have in common? They're both hard for kids.

The fat kid asked the teacher, "Is Godzilla real?" The teacher said, "They're standing right in front of me."

Why are Americans good at Rubik's Cubes?

They're so good at separating colors.

I didn't like having long nails, but they're growing on me.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a dirty diaper?

Answer: none, they're both self-absorbed and full of sh*t!

Why can't dinosaurs clap?

Because they're dead.

Why can't dinosaurs clap? 'Cause they're dead.

Little Johnny was overheard by his mother reciting his homework, “Two plus two, the son of a b*tch is four; four plus four, the son of a b*tch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a b*tch...;” “Johnny!” shouted his mother. “Stop swearing!” “But mom!” Little Johnny protested, “That’s what the teacher taught us! And she said we should recite it till we learned it!”

The next day his mother went to the teacher to complain. “No, no,” said the teacher, terrified. “That’s not what I taught them. They’re supposed to say: ‘Two plus two, the sum of which is four.’”

What is the difference between your girlfriend and your sister?

They're both "sweet home Alabama."

If you tell a girl they're pretty, they won't believe you. If you tell them they're ugly, they'll never forget it.

Elephants never forget.

Why don't parents get school shooting jokes? They're aimed at a younger audience.

Why can’t Indian women drive?

They’re too used to riding their camels.

Why don't Asian kids believe in Santa Claus?

Because they're the ones who made the toys.

What do Michael Jackson and Tesco carrier bags have in common? They’re both made out of plastic and harmful to children.

I hate Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves.