They're jokes
One day I was with my mom and we had no money on the credit card, and we live far, and my mom was hungry.
A guy and his friend had a car and asked us if we were lost. We said no, we have no ride, no money, and my mom is hungry. So the guy would take us for a blowjob each, so I was driving the car and my mom gave both guys a blowjob. We had to get out of the car to look for something, then the two guys went in the car and told us we got bad news and good news. I asked what the bad news was. They said that they're not taking us home, so I asked what the good news was. They told me that they fed my mom and drove off. I guess where they left us wasn't a long walk and my mom wasn't hungry anymore.
(Note: this joke is not one of the worst jokes ever because it is obscene or offensive; it’s just a bad joke.) Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because they’re dead.
Don't tell me I haven't got balls. I just happen to wear mine on my chest, and I can guarantee they're a lot bigger than yours!
What do clams do on their birthday? They shell-brate, but they eat all the cake for themselves because they’re shellfish!
*at school*
Nobody: Do you want nuts?
Me: Wait, you have some?
Nobody: Yeah, they're my own.
Me: :0
"Knock knock."
"Why are you knocking on a wall? You're in the Twin Towers and they're going down!"
I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something :D
Bad handjobs are rare. They’re hard to come by.
Q: What's the difference between a smart Russian and a unicorn?
A: Nothing, they're both fictional characters.
What do spiders and Black people have in common?
When they’re black, they kill you.
Why can't orphans be criminals?
Because they're never wanted.
What’s the same between a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus?
They’re both saying “Oh my god my mom’s gonna kill me!”
I don’t trust stairs because they’re always up to something.
Americans prefer houses with basements. In fact, they're best cellars!
A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.
Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”
“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”
We cut and kill flowers because they're pretty.
We cut and kill ourselves because we are not.
What is the difference between a retard and a zombie anyway?
They’re always hungry and shuffle around aimlessly, moaning... Oh, and it takes a bullet in the forehead to put them both down.
Uh!!!
What does a dad and the Twin Towers have in common?
Once they're gone, they never come back.
What's the difference between Jeffrey Dahmer and an Emo?
They're both gay and use knives.
You should never date a prospector. They're all just gold diggers.