They jokes
Three rednecks, Billy, Joe, and John, are talking about their hobbies. They agree on shooting. John says, "I like shooting animals." Joe says, "I like shooting birds." Billy says, "I like shooting cans." Joe and John ask, "What kind of cans, like bear cans, Pepsi cans, or cola cans?" Billy responds, "Africans, Mexicans, Jamaicans, and Asian Americans."
A guy was on trial for murder, and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done, and paid him the $10,000.
The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and wanted to let him go.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims. They went through 80 stories in 7 seconds. In case you didn't see that one coming, don't feel bad, they didn't either.
I was 11 or 12 at the time.
Guy (passing me): "How are you doing?" Me, an autist: "Pretty bad honestly." Guy (continued walking past me) Me: ...
If you didn’t know, “what’s up” and “how are you doing” are phatic expressions in the United States, meaning that they’re said as greetings even though they literally mean something else.
What does a phone and a grandma have in common? They both die.
What's the difference between them? If you shove something up your grandma's ass, she won't come back to life.
Memes
What’s the difference between Nelson Mandela and Paul Walker?
They both died at 95.
A couple were trying new things in the bedroom to spice up their marriage. The husband would blindfold the wife, put on a condom and she would guess the flavor. They did this one time a night.
The first night, she put the blindfold on and he put the condom on his dick and she tasted it, she immediately knew it was strawberry. The second night, the same thing happened except it was banana. The third night, she put the blindfold on and tasted his dick and said, "Eww it tastes like cheese and onions." The husband replied, "Hang on I haven't put the condom on yet."
Q: There were two tampons walking down the road the other day. Guess what they said to each other?
A: Nothing, 'cause they're both stuck-up cunts.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberrys, rub one ball and everything moves!
I don't like 9/11 jokes, they tend to crash and burn.
I got fired from my job today at a banana factory. They said to throw away the bad ones, so I threw away the bent ones.
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a bulb?
None, because they all cry in the dark.
Why can't orphans never run all the bases in baseball? Because they can never make it home.
Why were the people in the Twin Towers such good readers?
They went through 110 stories in 10 seconds.
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They put doorknobs on a wall and said, "Open the door."
Don't be scared of skeletons.
They don't have the guts for murder.
What did one shoe say to the other shoe when they were fighting?
I wanna sock you in the eye so bad!
What's so special about bullets?
They do work after they are fired.
Why do rapists and pedophiles never win a race?
Because they always like to come in a little behind.
What do lesbians cook for dinner?
They don't, they just eat out.