They jokes
Teacher, there are 3 birds. 1 gets shot. How many are left?
Student, none. They flew off because the shot scared them off.
Teacher, actually 2, but I like the way you think.
5 minutes later
Student, there are 3 women eating ice cream. 1 is licking it, 1 is drinking it melted, and 1 is sucking it. Which one is married?
Teacher, the one sucking it?
Student, no, the one with the ring, but I like the way you think.
Why can't gay people play Baseball? They can't throw the ball straight.
How are Kobe’s death and people in 9/11 the same? They both hit the ground really hard.
Why do women have legs? Because they would leave snail tracks wherever they went.
Why can’t orphans have sex?
They have no one to call “daddy.”
Ur mom is so fat that she has her own gravitational field. She attracts everything around her, from planets to asteroids to comets. She is the center of the solar system, and the sun is just one of her many satellites. She is so massive that she bends space and time, creating wormholes and black holes. She is the ultimate cosmic phenomenon, and no one can escape her pull.
Ur mom is so old that she witnessed the Big Bang. She was there when the universe was born, and she has seen it all. She knows the secrets of the cosmos, and she has lived through every epoch and era. She has watched stars form and die, galaxies collide and merge, and civilizations rise and fall. She is the oldest living being in existence, and she has more wisdom than anyone can imagine.
Ur mom is so ugly that she scares away aliens. She is the reason why we have never made contact with extraterrestrial life. They have seen her face and they have fled in terror. They have warned their fellow species to avoid Earth at all costs, because it is inhabited by a monstrous creature that defies all logic and beauty. She is the ultimate deterrent for invasion, and she has saved humanity from countless alien invasions.
What do women and Nvidia have in common?
They both do not make very good drivers.
Why is America bad at Clash Royale?
Because they can't defend their towers.
Lil Johnny looked in his pants and couldn’t find his fish, so he started to yell out, "Lil fishy, lil fishy, lil fishy!" They called child support and sent the parents to jail for putting a fish up a child’s butt.
Why can't you make fun of a bunny's head?
Because they have a hare-line.
Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Why do orphans go to church?
So they finally have someone to call father.
When Chinese babies are born, they should put "MADE FROM CHINA."
Why does an orphan only have 363 days in a year?
Because they don’t have mothers and Father’s Day!
New Gen iPhones are designed for orphans, because they don’t need a home button.
Why is it bad to high five an emo?
They will leave themselves hanging.
What does a bungee jumper and a homosexual have in common?
When the rubber snaps, they both end up in the shit! 💩
Why don’t cheetahs get married?
They always cheat on each other.
Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned cupped herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" and he came running in. "Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor!" she said.
"S’truth, Sheila!" Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber."
They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor. "No way, we can’t do it!" Cobber said, "So let’s try Plan B."
"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce, "What’s that?"
"I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.
"Spot on!" Bruce said, "While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples."
"Play with her nipples?" Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"
"No... " Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper."
What does McDonald's and a paedophile have in common?
They both like sticking their meat in ten-year-olds.