They jokes
Why are Americans such good chess players?
Because they lost two towers.
Want to know why some astronomers are gay?
It’s because they want to be in Uranus.
A couple were trying new things in the bedroom to spice up their marriage. The husband would blindfold the wife, put on a condom and she would guess the flavor. They did this one time a night.
The first night, she put the blindfold on and he put the condom on his dick and she tasted it, she immediately knew it was strawberry. The second night, the same thing happened except it was banana. The third night, she put the blindfold on and tasted his dick and said, "Eww it tastes like cheese and onions." The husband replied, "Hang on I haven't put the condom on yet."
If you're bored, just go hit an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
Why is it that skinny men like fat women?
Because they need warmth in winter, and shade in summer.
I was walking down Main Street when I saw a child.
I told him, "I will give you 20$ if you get my balls back from the vet."
He replied, "Why did they take your balls sir?"
"Beer plus going to the vet does not work well for everybody, especially when you're a furry."
What does a condom and a coffin have in common?
They both still have stiffs, but one is coming and one is going.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They never hit home.
One day a man dies and goes to heaven. He gets there and sees a bunch of clocks. He asks Jesus, "Hey, what are the clocks for?" Jesus replies, "They move every time you sin." "This is Mother Teresa's, it has not moved so she has not sinned." "This one is Abraham Lincoln's, it has moved twice so he sinned twice." The man asks, "Where is Joe Biden's?" Jesus replies, "It's in my office-- I'm using it as a ceiling fan."
I have two things I wanna say:
1. When people swear, stop taking it so fucking literally. If someone calls you a bitch, they're not calling you a female dog. If they call you a cunt, they're not calling you a woman's private part, they are calling you either an idiot, scaredy cat/baby, or something along those lines, ffs.
2. wtf
What's the best thing about beating up orphans?
They can't tell their parents.
What are the similarities between an emo and some Christmas lights?
They are both going to be hanging from a tree.
What do 9/11 and gender have in common?
They used to be two, and now it's a sensitive topic.
Why do girls not have balls?
Because they don’t.
What does Jesus have in common with Pinocchio?
They believe their own lies.
A guy once went hunting at a Hunting Ranch owned by a Hunter and his Wife. After a long day of hunting, the hunter enjoys a couple of cold ones in Rancher’s Living-room. There they were having a grand ole time until the Rancher’s wife walks in. The Hunter looks at her and says “that’s a nice piece of ass you got your self there.” The Rancher replied “(with a harsh southern accent from years of cigarette smoke) You’ve never been so right in your life, honey why don’t show our guest your tits.” She agrees and then shows the hunter her plump DD cup breast. After he gets a good gander he says “Nice.” Then Rancher shouted “show em yer peker now Hon.” She agreed and whipped out a 13inch Johny, and twirled it around like how an Elephant would move his. Now dazed and confused the Hunter yells out “What in Sam Hill is that!!” and the Rancher replied “Now....Lemme tell you..There ain’t a thing like it”.
What's the difference between a coat hanger and an emo?
Nothing, they both hang.
How do orphans have a family reunion?
They use a Ouija board.
Gas is expensive nowadays.
In the 1940s, they got it for free.
Why is it so easy to bully an orphan? What are they gonna do, tell their mum?