They jokes
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
In case they get a hole in one!
A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar.
They should have ducked.
How do parents punish a blind kid? They rearrange the furniture.
Do you know what's in common between a hitman and a photographer?
They all shoot people for a living.
There are painkillers, but they only relieve physical pain. I wish something could relieve my internal pain.
The worst comedians take 9 months to make a joke. Then they spend the rest of their lives trying to forget it.
What do tofu and a dildo have in common? They are both meat substitutes.
Why was the orphan so famous?
Because when they asked him go big or go home, he only had one option.
Why can't Mexicans cross the border? They always sneak powder in.
You know how in the movie, "Nightmare Before Christmas," they say they're making Christmas?
I thought Mary and Joseph did, but okay.
How do mountains get big?
They go trick-or-treating!
The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives. Whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”
Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”
So the Pope slapped him.
My brothers kept annoying me.
I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.
It was an empty threat—right after I was done.
Why does an orphan play soccer?
Because it's the only love they get.
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because they have smelly feet!
What do you call a mosquito in your language?
We don't call them, they just come and bite.
You're so ugly that when The Oh Hellos saw you, they were like "Oh Bye!"
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 Victims, they went through 89 stories in 7 seconds.
Why are all the emos banned from Six Flags?
Because they keep cutting in line.
What's the difference between McDonald's and a priest?
Nothing... They both stick their meat in ten-year-old buns.