They jokes

What are the similarities between an American teen and an old Muslim man?

They both choose who they want.

Q. What's the difference between my phone battery and an anti-vax kid?

A. Nothing, they both die at ten.

Why can’t orphans play baseball?

It’s because they can’t find home plate.

Why was the orphan able to avoid getting into trouble at school?

Because they couldn’t call his parents!

Tell someone to say "alpha" and then "kenny one". Tell them to say it very fast. Tell them it sounded like they said, "I'll fuck anyone!"

I just came up with a really good deaf people joke! The great thing is that they won't be able to hear it!

Why do brides wear white?

So they match the kitchen appliances.

I went to the eye doctor and I couldn't read. They showed me a picture of a birthday cake and I thought it was a menorah!

Why do kids have school every day? So that they can learn.

If you're ever bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

How are Stephen Hawking and Kaepernick so much alike? They both don’t stand for the national anthem.

Why were the Twin Towers mad during 9/11?

They ordered pepperoni pizza, but instead got plane.

Yo mama so ugly, when she went to the ugly club, they said, "Sorry, professionals only!"

Yo mama's so fat that the earth used to be flat before they buried her.

What jumps higher than a basketball player?

An emo kid, they never touch the ground.

Donald Trump is to white Americans as O.J. Simpson is to black Americans. They will never choose to convict these people even if they murdered or raped.

My Countryhumans OC, Sahara, is the daughter of France and Soviet. When people ask why, I tell them it was the gendersnapped version of my parents making me. France (my dad) was drunk and Soviet (my mom) was being horny. Then they judge me, so I judge them with a knife to the chest 47 times.

Fella walks past a mental hospital; they're all out in the garden behind this big fence, all shouting "13, 13, 13, 13," etc., over and over again.

This fella is intrigued, sees a little hole in the fence, looks through it... gets fucking poked straight in the eye!

Then they all start singing, "14, 14, 14, 14, 14, 14!"

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot.

One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her $10 "pay" to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh, my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the fucking sheet rock!"

Q: What’s the difference between a priest and McDonald’s?

A: Nothing! They both stick their meat in 10 year old buns.