They jokes
A rich guy and a poor guy have their wedding anniversary on the same day. They meet each other at the shopping complex.
The poor guy asks the rich guy, "What'd you get for your wife today?"
The rich guy replies, "I got her a diamond ring and a Mercedes."
The poor guy asks, "Why did you get two gifts for her?"
The rich guy says, "If she doesn't like the diamond ring, then she can return it in her Mercedes."
The rich guy asks the poor guy, "What'd you get for your wife?"
The poor guy says, "I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich guy asks, "Why did you get two gifts for her?"
The poor guy says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, then she can go f*** herself."
A little girl and a little boy are taking a bath together when the little girl looks down and asks, "What's that?"
The little boy says, "That’s my little red race car."
Ten minutes later, the boy looks down and asks, "What's that?"
The little girl says, "That’s my little red race car garage."
So later that night, the little boy asks the little girl if he can put his little red race car in her little red race car garage. She said yes, and then they pull down their pants and the boy tries putting his little red race car in her garage, but it won’t fit.
Downstairs, the mother hears an ear-piercing scream and runs up the stairs, flips on the lights and sees blood on the floor. The mother asks, "What happened?"
The little girl says, "We tried putting his car in my garage and it wouldn’t fit, so I cut the back wheels off."
A man and a woman get married. The woman was a retired hooker. The man was a poet.
The man said as they did 69, "You taste better than my most delicious gourmet meal." The woman said, "Well, you aren’t too bad either, but the best 69 I’ve gotten and given was Harry. He did it for 24 hours nonstop." They got divorced that night.
What do women and a Happy Meal have in common?
They both come with a toy.
Do you know why I don't like stairs? They are always up to something. #dadjokes
Memes
They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Well, they're not laughing now!
Yo mama is so slow, they had to wait six hours for the crane to finally show up.
Me: If my face looked like yours, I would sue my parents.
Sensei: That’s funny, because when your parents dropped you off at the temple, they got a fine for littering.
Cop: Hehe, that’s funny because I gave them the fine!
What did the hijackers say when they crashed into the Twin Towers?
"Jenga!"
What's a similarity of an orphan and a deaf kid?
They both can't hear their parents.
Why do orphans play with boomerangs?
Because they come back.
You’re so fat,
that your family moved to the other side of the U.S.A., but they still see you.
Why were the Twin Towers afraid of the New York Jets?
Because they are afraid of the jet.
Stop bullying orphans!
What if they tell their parents?
What do depressed teenagers and fruits have in common?
They both hang by something.
What do Ben 10 and a disabled kid have in common? They both slap their wrist.
Why are Americans bad at chess? They lost their towers.
A panda walks into a restaurant, orders some food, and eats it. Once he was done, he shoots the waiter, then leaves.
Police and detectives arrive at the scene. They ask the waiter, "Who did this to you? What happened?"
The waiter replies, "A panda, eats, shoots, and leaves."
Why do orphans always go to white vans when someone asks?
Because they want to feel wanted.
Why are white people so white?
Because they forgot to urine on lotion.