They jokes
You and me went up to stab your father. He was out, do not pout. They are coming after.
You know, life as a pufferfish is tough. They get startled, then they get hard.
Walked into a bar the other day and a group of sailors were being loud and shouting about all the women they have in port that had given them gonorrhea...
Bloody seamen.
What do cannibals think when they see a pregnant woman?
"Kinder Egg surprise."
Why can’t an orphan play baseball?
Because they can’t find home.
What does grass and Rachel Sutherland’s wrists have in common: nothing, they both get cut.
When Stephen Hawking died, did they take him to the hospital or PC World?
What did kings say when they were made king?
Allah ail (All hail) [insert name here]!
How did Stephen Hawking die?
They unplugged the Wi-Fi cord.
Women are like tornadoes.
They scream when they are coming and take your house when they are leaving.
Why can't an orphan have sex?
Because they can't call them "daddy."
Do atoms eat booty? No, because they are too cool. ;)
Three gay guys walk into a bar.
There is only one stool left, what do they do?
They flip the stool over.
Why can't male orphans be gay?
Because they don't have anyone to call "daddy."
So a lady was walking down the street with two bags, and one of the bags was leaking $100 bills. A cop pulls up and he says, “Ma’am, ma’am, your bag is leaking hundred dollar bills.” Then she says, “Oh, thank you. I wonder how long that’s been going on.” And the cop says, “Before I help you, may I ask why your bag is leaking $100 bills?” And the lady says, “OK, I’ll tell you. So I live next to a stadium, and I have this beautiful rose garden, but these dumb teenagers always try and pee on the rosebushes. So they stick their junk through the fence, and I grab their junk. I said, ‘$100 dollars or it’s coming off.’” The cop says, “Oh, OK, well what’s the other bag for?” And she says, “Well, not all of them want to give me $100.”
Jesus shows up and says you’ve got to go to church.
You follow him in, and under their breath, it sounds like somebody says, "You steal." You say in your mind, knowing you have before, "I’m sorry." Then somebody coughs, and under their breath, it sounds like they say again, "You steal," so you whisper quietly, "I’m sorry."
...then somebody in German says, "Schieß den Hurensohn!"
Enough of the sex jokes! I mean, come on, they are not even funny!
Man, abortion jokes just don't get old, do they?
In fact, they don't age at all.
What's the best thing about dead baby jokes?
They never get old.
I tell short people to reach for the stars.
They are always a bit short of reach.