Thereness jokes

Bob Ross fighting in Vietnam. "They're in the happy little trees, shoot the happy little trees and bushes!"

Teacher: Where's your homework?

Student: At home...

Teacher: What's it doing there?

Student: Having a better time than me.

Father: I’m taking your toys to the orphanage.

Child: But why?

Father: So you won’t be bored. You’re going to need them there.

I've sadly received a rejection letter from NASA. Strangely, it says there's no space on their training program.

What’s the best thing about 28 year olds?

There’s 20 of them.

There is a thin line between death and life!

You won't live to see it.....

The Cardiogram will!!

There are only 363 days in a year for orphans because Mother's Day and Father's Day don't count.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. A face like yours belongs in a zoo. Don't worry, I'll be there too. Not in the cage, but laughing at YOU!

Knock, knock. Who's there? Dave. Dave who? Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimer's has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.

So there I was, having a fantastic time going down on my nan.

When suddenly I got a nasty taste in my mouth.

"Wait a minute," I said. This distinctly tastes like horse semen.

Then it clicked.

"Ah, so that's how you died."

Sex is like math.

Subtract the clothes, add the bed, divide the legs, and pray to God there is no multiplying.

Why is it so easy to bully an orphan? What are they gonna do, tell their mum?

There were two peanuts walking down an alley. One was assaulted.

If there is a hair, the meat is ruined.

There are people who are beautiful, and then there are people whom I won't rape.

Why did Sally fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Not Sally.

Q: There were two tampons walking down the road the other day. Guess what they said to each other?

A: Nothing, 'cause they're both stuck-up cunts.

There is nothing funnier than my life. (Evan 2020)

Look, I didn't hit rock bottom. I gracefully floated down there like Mary Poppins with an umbrella.

Why is there air conditioning in hospitals? To keep the vegetables cool and fresh.