Thereness jokes

I helped my son (who is missing his arms) unwrap his Christmas present. The ungrateful bastard just sits there and cries, and it's a pair of mittens. The ungrateful bastard is just sitting there, crying.

Do you know why pedos get away with molesting orphans? Who are they gonna tell? Not their parents.

Before the chicken or the egg, there was only Chuck Norris.

I walked up to a man, and he said, "How's the weather up there?" and then I pushed him into the street to get hit by a bus.

Three guys are on a plane: one is Asian, one is Mexican, and the other is an American. The pilot says, "There is too much weight on the plane, you all need to throw something off." So the Mexican threw out a burrito and said, "I have plenty of these where I come from." Then the Asian threw out some rice and said, "I have plenty of these in my country." The American threw out a bomb and said, "I have a lot of these in my country."

The plane crashes anyway, and the three men start to walk away from the crash. As they were walking, they found a boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of burritos fell out of the sky and got me all messy." The men started walking away and soon enough they found another boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of rice fell out of the sky and shredded all my clothes." The guys knew who did it but avoided the trouble. They kept on walking and found a kid laughing so hard he was on the ground, and they asked what had been so funny. The boy said, "MY GRANDPA FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!"

There's two types of emo people:

1. People that cut side to side.

2. And people that cut up and down.

The most efficient is up and down.

One day, there were two muffins in an oven. One of the muffins said, "Man, it's hot in here." The other one said, "Oh my god! A talking muffin!!!"

Everyone likes orphans but their parents.

Why did the orphan try to get hurt?

Because then they would get surrounded with people who care about him.

He looks around, no one is there.

Knock, knock.

"Who's there?"

Not your dad.

Why can't orphans play baseball?

Because there would be no home base.

Walk up to the quiet kid and tell him to hang in there. Trust me, you won’t regret it.

(There was a mommy tomato, a daddy tomato, and a baby tomato.)

Baby: Wait for me!

(Father tomato walks back toward the baby.)

(He squishes the child.)

Father: Ketchup!

I was walking till I saw a kid sitting on the street. I walked over there and said, "Where are your parents?" He cried even more.

Oh, I just love talking to orphans.

Why does Michael Jackson like 44-year-olds? There's 4 of them.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Di.

Di who?

See, easily forgotten.

So if you are bored, punch an orphan.

What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?🙄🙄

Dad: Here you go son, all your toys have gone to the orphanage.

Son: Why, Dad?

Dad: You would be bored there if there was not anything to do.

Father: I am taking your toys to the orphanage.

Son: Why?

Father: You’ll need them there.

There was a little kid crying in the park today. I asked him where his parents were. Now I realize, man, I love my job.