Thereness jokes
There is only one reason why I find women useful.
That is because they make sandwiches, but that is about it.
There were two twins, and they were both very tall.
The next thing they knew, they were on the floor, and there were planes up their asses.
A no legged manager runs the nearest pizza place called Your Pizza Is A Joke.
I (J0K35) worked there and this happened...
Manager: WHY ARE THE PINEAPPLES IN THE TRASH?
Me: Because nobody eats fucking pineapple pizza.
Manager: THAT'S IT! I'M KICKING YOU OUT OF THIS PLACE!
Me: You can't kick me out.
Manager: Why not? Huh?
Me: Because you need legs to kick, and you don't have any.
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Interrupting cow." "Interrupting cow wh-" "MOO!"
If the teacher tells you to stand up if you're not gay and there's that one kid in the wheelchair.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Not your.
Not your who?
Not your mama!
The only thing they can see are their chopsticks.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
Man: Doctor, where are you taking me?
Doctor: To the morgue.
Man: But I’m not dead yet.
Doctor: Are we there yet?
No, no, no, no. Spot the intruder.
There's no one.
What do you call two terrorists standing next to each other with their dicks out?
The Twin Towers.
Your hairline's so far back, even Rosa Parks refused to sit in the back; it went all the way there itself.
How do you turn a cat into a fish?
Tell your girl not to wash down there.
OWWWWWWWWWWW I JUST GOT A CUT ON MY BUTT. Oh wait, that’s always been there.
Dad, there was one day I was playing jump rope with a pig, and then I made pulled pork out of him.
Son, he is dinner.
What's the best thing about 28 year olds?
There's 20 of them.
Why can't emos come out of the closet to their parents?
Because they won't be there to stick around.
What is worse than a dead baby in a trash can?
100 dead babies in a trash can.
What is worse than that?
There's a live one at the bottom.
What is worse than that?
It eats its way out.
What is worse than that?
It comes back for seconds.
What does a dad and the Twin Towers have in common?
Once they're gone, they never come back.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Mimi. Mimi who? Mimi’s got cancer.