Thereness jokes

The more suicidal people there are, the fewer suicidal people there are.

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.

When it's been Halloween for a few months, but there's still a body hanging from your neighbor's tree.

They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group. I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, "She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?" The wife replies, "Perform the fucking autopsy!"

There are some sounds that everyone loves... - Shoes on gravel. - Crackling of fire. - The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you. - Cats purring.

I got detention yesterday because I told the emo kid to "Hang in there."

There's nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.

What did the rope say to me?

"Hey there man, you wanna hang later?"

Why did Susie fall off the swing?

Because she didn't have any arms.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Not Susie.

There is an upside to being an orphan. Every bag of chips is family size.

Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them, and now it’s a sensitive subject.

Any joke can be funny with the right delivery. Except abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.

Your hairline's so far back even Rosa Parks refused to sit there.

Why are there only 363 days in an orphan's calendar? They don't have Father's or Mother's Day.

There are so many things going through my head. Sadly, none of it is a 9mm.

I hate family reunions.

I see too many of my ex's there.

One day a teacher stands up in front of her class and asks if anyone in the class is an idiot, and says that if there is one, then he/she should stand up.

After a minute, a boy stands up.

The teacher then asks the boy if he actually thinks he's an idiot.

The boy says, "No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."

Why is sex like math? You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.