Thereness jokes

Why can't dinosaurs clap? 'Cause they're dead.

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Not your dad?"

What’s the difference between a normal kid and an Emo?

When you feel an Emo's arm, there’s lots of texture! Feels great, too!

I can't not believe you stupid fucks. This isn't funny. Just like a bunch of cunts not to believe there is nothing can't do.

BTW what do you call a manly woman's cunt? Nothing. Who gives a fuck?

Man: I know how to please a woman.

Woman: Then please leave me alone, you ugly two-faced hypocrite!

Man: I want to give myself to you.

Woman: Sorry, I don’t like ugly peasants.

Man: Your hair color is fabulous.

Woman: I hate your hair color, though.

Man: You look like a dream.

Woman: Then open your ugly eyes and stop sleeping, hypocrite!

Man: I can tell that you want me.

Woman: Yes, I want you dead.

R.I.P.

Man: Hey, baby, what’s your sign?

Woman: F*** you, pedophile!

Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services for pedophiles.

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down, you little peasant.

Man: What’s it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar? Every other woman I see looks ugly. Bleuch!

Woman: How dare you!

Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore. I saw you playing with boxes in the store room and saying "I AM KING OF THE WORLD!"

There was a kid in a wheelchair. I put him on fire and called him Hot Wheels.

I see what you did there.

My friend said, "Where is the trash?" I said, "Look in the mirror, there is the trash."

POV: You walk up to your short friend and say, "How is the weather down there?"

Knock, knock. Who's there? Little Boy Blue. Little Boy Blue who? Michael Jackson.

Why couldn’t the orphan play Xbox? Because there was no home button.

"What do you tell a person with depression?

Just hang in there, buddy!"

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Madam.

Madam who?

Madam foot got caught in the door, can you please open it!

There was a fancy dress party; the theme was emotions.

One guy came dressed in green, and he was envy; another person came dressed in red, and she was anger; another guy came dressed in blue, and he was sadness. Two Indians came, one came with a hole in a pear and his d*** was in the pear, said he was deep in dis"pear." The other Indian came with his d*** in custard, and he said he was f***ing dicustard!

There was an illegal alien woman who wanted to be called "undocumented." So, I had "undocumented" sex with her and threatened to have her deported if she reported me for rape. I'd call it even.

How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?

Tell them to clap until their parents come home.

What do most disabled people eat?

Their arm.

A father and a son were painting pictures together. The son and father were drawing the exact same thing to a T, and the son said, "What happened to your hand?" looking at the scar tissue near the father's knuckle. The father replied with, "You know what happened, you were there." The son continues to deny this until they both finish their paintings. They're exactly the same.

The father passes out for a few hours and wakes up to find that there's only one painting.

My girlfriend died in Tokyo during a tsunami. I was sad, but my friend told me, "Don't worry, there are plenty more in the ocean."

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Your Boyfriend.

Your Boyfriend who?

Your Boyfriend who doesn’t love you! Bye!