Tell jokes
Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, “Mommy, mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, Daddy came in with the lady next door, and they started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off Daddy’s clothes, and Daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of Daddy and started...”.
The mother cuts him off and says, “Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me.” A couple hours later, the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face, shouting, “I’m leaving you... Go ahead, Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier.” Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. “Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door, and you both started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off your clothes, and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing Mom did with Uncle Joe last summer.”
Dad: How was your trip to the park?
Daughter: It was good until the man came along.
Dad: *gasps* Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault, but tell Daddy, what happened?
Daughter: He made my friends go away so it was just me and him... then he took my dress off...
Dad: Oh God, what next?
Daughter: Nothing, that was it.
Dad: Oh, come on! That wasn't exciting, make something up!
Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.
"These are lying clocks; they tell how many lies a person tells."
"Oh, cool."
"This is Mother Teresa's clock; the clock hasn't moved because she never lied."
"Makes sense."
"This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."
"Where's Trump's clock?"
"Oh, we're using it as a ceiling fan."
And then I burst out laughing 'cause it's so true.
How do you tell when a blonde just lost her virginity?
Her crayons are still wet.
Why do pirates say, "Argh my Hardees?"
Because that's how you tell when they have the hards.
Women be like don't tell me what to wear, proceeds to tell men what to wear.
Don't tell me I haven't got balls. I just happen to wear mine on my chest, and I can guarantee they're a lot bigger than yours!
I wanted to tell a commie a joke about food, but he’d have to wait 10 years to get it.
I would tell you a time travel joke, but you did not like it.
Go to an orphanage and tell a kid his parents came back.
Man: Stop with these orphan jokes!
Me: Why? Are they going to tell their parents on me?
Hey, how ya doin'?
Well I'm doin' just fine, I lied, I'm DEAD inside.
Don't tell me "it's gonna be alright," I've tried, but I can't fight like this.
Hey how ya doin', I'm tired but I'm trying to fight.
Why can you bully orphans?
What are they gonna do, tell their parents? Oh wait, they got no parents.
What is brown and sticky?
What is white and gooey?
What is long and hard?
(Tell me in the comments)
What can you tell [as] a difference between [a] man and a woman [in a] relationship?
Both of them are just full of shit.
What did one skeleton say to the other?
Skeleton 1: "I need a hand!"
Skeleton 2: (Throws up hand)
Skeleton 1: "That wasn't very humerus."
Skeleton 2: "Why do you have to be so heartless?"
Skeleton 1: "At least I had the guts to tell you!"
Person: You suck!
Me: Tell that to your mom, and she’ll say the same thing, honey. 😎
Why can’t you tell a funny joke to a wheelchair kid? Because he just rolls with the joke.
I'm about to go to the orphanage to tell yo mama jokes.
Guys, we should stop telling orphan jokes. Their parents will get mad. Oh...