Tell jokes

To start, I'm a big fella in size.

I saw a skinny guy act like Santa, so I went over to him. "You can't pull that off," I said. He said, "Then you try it." He gave me the Santa suit, and I dressed up. He walked by and saw me with 45 kids in line to sit on my lap and tell me what they wanted for Christmas.

Three Europeans head to an island. They are captured by the island people. They are going to kill them, and they plead. They grant them a chance to live. The island people tell them to grab a fruit from the tribe's garden and bring it back, then to follow the task at hand.

The first guy brings back a peach. The island leader says, "Stick it up your ass. If you laugh, you die." The first guy shoves it up his ass and laughs, so they kill him. The second guy brings a grape, he does the same and laughs, making them kill him.

The first two are in heaven together. "Peaches are fuzzy, so I laughed. How the hell did you die? You had a grape!" says the first guy. The second guy replied, "It didn't tickle at all. I laughed at the sight [of] the third guy was bringing over a pineapple."

But she hasn't tried the position with her new boyfriend, so she invites him to a romantic dinner.

After dinner, she tells her boyfriend about her desire for it, but her boyfriend was clueless about such acts, so she tells him to strip naked on the couch and lay on top of him naked in the 69 position. She starts sucking him off and starts waiting for him to do the same, but the bf didn't know what to do, so he just lay there. Suddenly, the girl had an urge to fart but held it in because her asshole was right near his bf's face. Suddenly, she loses control and lets one out. She apologizes profusely and continues sucking him. A couple of minutes later, she feels the urge again and lets another fart rip near his face. The BF throws the girl from the couch, gets up, and says, "Bitch if you think I'll be lying here for 67 more of those, you're fucking crazy."

What is a cannibal's favorite place to go? An orphanage. What are they gonna do, tell their parents?

Don't believe what your school bully tells you.

Always take it with a grain of assault.

My teacher gave me an A in Physics, then she tells me that it turns guys on.

Why do orphans not tell when they get hit?

Because who are they gonna tell, their mom?

Why is Lucas so weird? I don't know, you tell me.

Me: Shut up! If you don't shut up, I'm gonna tell your parents!

You: Why? I don't have any.

It is now legal to bully an orphan.

What are they going to do? Tell their parents?

They say there is power in numbers.

Tell that to the people in the Twin Towers.

My wife said if I rape her again, she would leave me. Why didn't anyone tell me it was that easy?

How do you confuse a fish?

Put it in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner!

By the way, could you tell me an elevator pun? I can't seem to "come up" with one myself.

Luigi was dying and had two sons. Bruno was handsome, but Alberto was ugly.

He said, "Maria, tell me, is Alberto my son?"

"Yes, Luigi," his wife said, and he died happily.

Wife said, "Thank God he didn’t ask about the other one!"

They asked to tell them a joke, so I said no.

I would tell a pussy joke, but you would never get it.

How can you tell if a heterosexual man has been using a computer?

There is sperm on the screen.

You know why pedophiles get away with molesting children?

Because who are they gonna tell? Not their parents.

Normally I would tell a 9/11 joke, but it’s two plane.