Tell jokes

How do you tell when your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

Most people think an octopus has 8 legs.

Actually, they have 6 legs and 2 arms. How can you tell which are the arms?

Hit it on the head. The two that go up to the head when he says "Owwww" are his arms.

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized".

How do you know if someone is a vegan or has run a marathon?

They'll tell you.