When other people tell a joke, 3/3 people laugh.
When I tell a joke, 1/3 people laugh, but 2/3 people stare into my soul.
Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.
The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.
They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"
What do you do after you rape a deaf girl?
Cut off her fingers so she can't tell anyone.
"Can I tell you a paper joke?" I said, "But it is pretty terrible."
A kid milks a cow and goes to school and tells his friends, "I milked a cow, and it took awhile for it to warm up." His brother came over and said, "We don't have cows, we have bulls."
A horse and a bear walk into a bar... Oh wait, can't tell that one!
Did you hear about the fortune telling dwarf that escaped from prison?
Reports say there's a small medium at large!
A man was having a dream. He dreamt about a mystical creature that was commonly known as the god of toast.
When the man woke up, he turned to tell his wife about the dream. When he delivers the "toast god" punchline, his wife shrugged as she faced the opposite direction to the man.
The man turned around also and started sobbing as he realised his marriage is in shambles.
How do you tell when a blonde just lost her virginity?
Her crayons are still wet.
I was going to tell you a cow joke...
But it's pasture bed time.
How can you tell when a cabbage is boiled?
The wheelchair floats to the top.
What did music tell the pancakes? -- B flat.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.
Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times, and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
How do you tell if a loaf of bread has Down Syndrome?
It has an extra crumb-osome.
How do you tell when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
Most people think an octopus has 8 legs.
Actually, they have 6 legs and 2 arms. How can you tell which are the arms?
Hit it on the head. The two that go up to the head when he says "Owwww" are his arms.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized".
How do you know if someone is a vegan or has run a marathon?
They'll tell you.
