Tell jokes
You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.
Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times, and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
How do you tell if a loaf of bread has Down Syndrome?
It has an extra crumb-osome.
How do you tell when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
Most people think an octopus has 8 legs.
Actually, they have 6 legs and 2 arms. How can you tell which are the arms?
Hit it on the head. The two that go up to the head when he says "Owwww" are his arms.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized".
How do you know if someone is a vegan or has run a marathon?
They'll tell you.