Technology jokes
1950: In the future there will be flying cars.
2018: Pewdiepie shuts down Shane Dawson.
Guys, I guess with all these storms there was a power cut in his house.
Hate when my phone dies instead of me :))
The police department made a new machine that will teleport you back to prison if you commit a crime. The police release 4 criminals: a hacker, a rapist, a serial killer, and a drug lord. The hacker tries to hack a bank. The hacker gets teleported back to prison. The drug lord tries to cook meth. The drug lord gets teleported back to prison. Now the serial killer decides that she wants to change, but when she sees a knife she just can’t help it. She bends down to pick up the knife and the rapist gets teleported back to prison.
What's the difference between a gay guy and a microwave? The microwave doesn't brown the meat.
Why did God make men?
Because you can't teach a vibrator how to mow the lawn...
Stephen Hawking got an engine swap with a Nissan 350Z, and they said his wheelchair wasn't street legal :/
A robot walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender is flabbergasted that a robot can do that.
"New around here?" said the bartender.
"Nah, been here a while," said the robot.
Bartender "You can talk?"
Robot "Yeah, pretty cool, huh."
Bartender "Why do you want a martini?"
Robot "Oh, I'm just in the mood for one, you know?"
The bartender is shocked to see a robot making completely normal small talk.
The robot seems to be just like a normal human.
"Wow, who programmed you?" asked the bartender.
"The top minds in the world," said the robot.
The robot speaks again, "I have a question for you..."
Bartender, "What?"
"Why did you read this entire story? It does not have a punchline. I just wasted your time. Get bamboozled, nerd!"
How Steven Hawking died: because he moved too much during the day and ran out of juice.
What did the mincrater do when his Xbox turns off?
He raged! 😱
Why is there no woman on the moon?
Because it doesn't need to be cleaned.
What would Stephen Hawking do to get drunk?
Overcharge himself.
Why did the robot cross the road?
Because he was programmed by the chicken!
What do you call a nerd in space?
A space nerd.
Why do orphans only buy iPhone XS?
Because it has a home button.
Yo mama so fat that when she sat on an AirPod Pro, she turned it into an iPad!
Why haven't they just tried turning Stephen Hawking on and off?
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
There was a car accident, and the cops pull up to the crime scene to start asking people questions. The police started talking to a blonde lady and said, "What happened here?" She responded by saying, "A car crash." They then asked, "But how did it happen?" She responded, "The cars crashed into each other." They finally said, "But why did it happen?" The lady said, "Oh, I know where you're going with this. It happened because when cars push on the gas pedal, the car goes forward, and they both pushed it, so they both went forward and hit each other." One cop said, "Never mind, ma'am," and they started walking away.
The blonde lady then said, "Oh, and officers, my computer froze. Do you think I should put it in the microwave or in the oven?"
How did Stephen Hawking die?
Somebody threw an EMP at him.