Surprise jokes

Once, an orphan purposely fell out of a tree. He forgot his parents wouldn't catch him.

Today, I saw my friend go crazy eating her ham sandwich. When she went to the bathroom, I checked inside her ham sandwich, and there were fresh drugs.

9/10/01

Bush: “Ok, I got this. Just act surprised and pretend to be sad and declare war on Afghanistan.”

Driving through the woods today, I saw a boy with a bare behind.

What do you call a waterfowl looking at you from around a corner?

A Peking duck.

Sayori: *dies*

Monika: "You kinda left her hanging... 😊"

MC: "😨"

My jokes are so dark that I am surprised that the cops didn't shoot them yet.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Wakanda? Wakanda who? WAKANDA ENDING IS THIS?

My lesbian neighbors and my sister gave me a Rolex for my birthday. I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted a watch.

Angela: Kris, I just met the nicest, sweetest guy ever.

Kristie: Who is he and what is his name?

Angela: His name is Kevin.

Kristie: Kevin? I remember him. He said he had to go to Italy for a meeting, never seen him after that. What the hell is Kevin doing here?

Angela: I don't know.

I saw a pretty girl walking outside. I asked for her number.

We met up and began to have sex. She told me to turn over, which was weird. I felt a stinging pain in my ass all of a sudden.

How to surprise a blind man: put a plunger in the toilet!

What’s 8 inches and women scream when they see it?

A puppy, you dirty monkey!

My sister’s birthday is on 9/11. When she opened her presents, she jumped up with an explosion.

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick her candy, but Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock because Jill’s real name was Randy.

I tell a man, "Get me a Glock 19." He comes back with a glove. I was about to shout at him, but then I saw a pistol in his pocket, so I left and thanked him.

I was just sitting down when all of a sudden she screamed, "Help!"

So a kid asks his dad, "Why was I born?"

The dad replies, "I thought that girl was dead!"

What's the similarity between a 14-year-old girl and the fetus inside her?

They're both thinking, "Oh fuck, mom is gonna kill me!"

So this one time I saw Sally trying to get up after she fell off the swing, and I helped her up and she said "Thank you," and I said, "You're welcome." The next day I saw her legs and someone said, "I would not do that," and I said, "Whatever." I tapped Sally, and the top halve fell. I said, "WHAT HAPPENED TO SALLY?" And someone said she went in a minefield.