Surprise jokes

I got my sister a book and she cried there, but I forgot she was blind.

Last night I was watching a Scotland Christmas movie...

And the part when Mary tells Joseph that she is pregnant, Joseph was surprised, and he exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!!!" I immediately stopped watching and changed the channel.

I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.

She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.

Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!

When you think your mom's a virgin, then you stumble into the wrong closet.

*New teacher walks in* New Teacher: Hi there, class. My name is Mr. Willy. I will be your math teacher.

*Me in shock, "Willy"* Me: Willy Wonka, is that you?

What do cannibals think when they see a pregnant woman?

"Kinder Egg surprise."

So, my friend's birthday is in a couple of days, and I was wondering what to get him.

He hangs out at my house a lot, so I suggested adoption papers.

Sayori: *dies*

Monika: "You kinda left her hanging... 😊"

MC: "😨"

My jokes are so dark that I am surprised that the cops didn't shoot them yet.

Today, I saw my friend go crazy eating her ham sandwich. When she went to the bathroom, I checked inside her ham sandwich, and there were fresh drugs.

9/10/01

Bush: “Ok, I got this. Just act surprised and pretend to be sad and declare war on Afghanistan.”

What do you call a waterfowl looking at you from around a corner?

A Peking duck.

Once, an orphan purposely fell out of a tree. He forgot his parents wouldn't catch him.

I was checking my shoe in my dad's wallet, and he slapped me. What exactly did I do to warrant the slap?

Driving through the woods today, I saw a boy with a bare behind.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Wakanda? Wakanda who? WAKANDA ENDING IS THIS?

I cleaned my room today. While sweeping under the bed, I heard my mop collide with something. To my surprise, I found Pristiano Penaldo hiding under my bed! My dad said, “Don’t bother sweeping him son, he’s been dusted for years.” I was shocked but not surprised.

Angela: Kris, I just met the nicest, sweetest guy ever.

Kristie: Who is he and what is his name?

Angela: His name is Kevin.

Kristie: Kevin? I remember him. He said he had to go to Italy for a meeting, never seen him after that. What the hell is Kevin doing here?

Angela: I don't know.

I saw a pretty girl walking outside. I asked for her number.

We met up and began to have sex. She told me to turn over, which was weird. I felt a stinging pain in my ass all of a sudden.

My sister’s birthday is on 9/11. When she opened her presents, she jumped up with an explosion.