Surprise jokes

I asked my new girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.

She said not to worry, she could count them all on one hand.

Unfortunately, this was when I noticed she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open. I took note of her wallet inside a picture of what appeared to be 10 guys. I asked and she said that’s my fam as well. I noticed an Alabama driver's license. I asked which one was her dad. She said that she doesn’t talk to him anymore because he had sex with the boss’s daughter. I casually asked what he did for work. Self-employed? She said that’s the last time I use ancestry.com!

When you think your mom's a virgin, then you stumble into the wrong closet.

*New teacher walks in* New Teacher: Hi there, class. My name is Mr. Willy. I will be your math teacher.

*Me in shock, "Willy"* Me: Willy Wonka, is that you?

What did Hitler say to Stan after he died?

I did nazi that coming!

So, my friend's birthday is in a couple of days, and I was wondering what to get him.

He hangs out at my house a lot, so I suggested adoption papers.

What do cannibals think when they see a pregnant woman?

"Kinder Egg surprise."

What do you call a waterfowl looking at you from around a corner?

A Peking duck.

9/10/01

Bush: “Ok, I got this. Just act surprised and pretend to be sad and declare war on Afghanistan.”

Today, I saw my friend go crazy eating her ham sandwich. When she went to the bathroom, I checked inside her ham sandwich, and there were fresh drugs.

Once, an orphan purposely fell out of a tree. He forgot his parents wouldn't catch him.

I was on the Official Cristiano Ronaldo website when suddenly my Anti-Virus software showed an alert on my screen! The notification read "WARNING: FRAUD DETECTED!" I was shocked but not surprised.

Penaldo has been finished for years after all, and he often ghosts in big games.

I was checking my shoe in my dad's wallet, and he slapped me. What exactly did I do to warrant the slap?

Driving through the woods today, I saw a boy with a bare behind.

Sayori: *dies*

Monika: "You kinda left her hanging... 😊"

MC: "😨"

My jokes are so dark that I am surprised that the cops didn't shoot them yet.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Wakanda? Wakanda who? WAKANDA ENDING IS THIS?

Angela: Kris, I just met the nicest, sweetest guy ever.

Kristie: Who is he and what is his name?

Angela: His name is Kevin.

Kristie: Kevin? I remember him. He said he had to go to Italy for a meeting, never seen him after that. What the hell is Kevin doing here?

Angela: I don't know.

My sister’s birthday is on 9/11. When she opened her presents, she jumped up with an explosion.

I saw a pretty girl walking outside. I asked for her number.

We met up and began to have sex. She told me to turn over, which was weird. I felt a stinging pain in my ass all of a sudden.

How to surprise a blind man: put a plunger in the toilet!