Suicide jokes
My friend told me to make more friends, so I joined a suicide cult.
I’ll be hanging with them for a while.
Playing Russian roulette alone means you're bound to be a winner eventually.
Why does the orphan commit suicide to join the other side to see their parents?
Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.
The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.
The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"
Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.
A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.
"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.
"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.
"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.
"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."
Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:
"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"
Suicide: Turning one's biology into complex organic chemistry.
If you slit your wrist while crying in pain, that's self-harm.
If you slit your wrist but have no expression, that's acting.
It isn't any of those if it's suicide.
What do Logan Paul, KSI, and the Japanese suicide victim have in common?
Tying.
If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb to the top of your ego then jump to your IQ.
Is your name suicide because I think about you all the time?
It’s all fun and games at “take your kid to work day” until you realize your dad is a suicide bomber.
My dad told me to stop with the suicide jokes, so I said I’ll cut it out.
What do you tell someone who has depression?
Answer: Just hang in there.
They always say you are what you eat! So I’d be nothing. That sounds about right.
My initials are K.M.C.
Which could also stand for "Kill Main Character".
Which I am planning to do in this book I’m writing.
I’m writing an autobiography.
Are you my depression, because I’m falling for you?
Teacher: "What do you think is your purpose in our society?"
Me: "To reduce the population by one."
Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To get to the other side (suicide).
Why did the second hedgehog cross the road?
To see his flatmate.
What do you say to a depressed person on the ceiling?
Hang in there!
What's the depressed person's favorite song?
Van Halen - Jump
What game does a suicidal person who is very bad at word or guessing games love?
Hangman.