Suicide jokes

What's worse than a failed suicide, you ask?

I fail suicide because you forgot to do the dishes and your parents come after you and they're the ones to kill you, not yourself.

If you call the number 800-273-8500 in Afghanistan, they say, "Can you fly a plane?"

What do suicidal people and apples have in common?

They both hang from trees.

One day my friend said: "I want tacos from Katie's, you?" and I said no thanks and she left. I never saw her again. Today I remember that I saw her name on TV as one of the victims of suicide, then I remember her and my motto: "If I'm dying, you're dying with me, you got no choice." I NEVER ate tacos from Katie's again.

A man goes to the library to find the best book about committing suicide. So when he asks the librarian, "What's the best book on committing suicide?" The librarian said, "Oh, fuck off...you won't bring it back anyway."

Why can't a dodo fly? Cus it suicided when it saw you will be born soon.

Me and my suicidal friend are close, so I took him to the mall to treat him.

We bought snacks, a new controller for his Xbox, and LED lights for his room to hopefully brighten his mood. After we scanned the last item, the machine beeped by itself.

How do you win an argument against an emo kid?

Give him a gun, he'll just shoot himself.

Why did the pencil want to kill himself?

He had no point in life.

I tried to fight a razor. It cut me so deep I thought I would die.

Turns out he didn't kill me. I was never happy, but that shit made me angry.

Are you a noose, 'cause I wanna hang out with you?

"Trust falling" with a bridge is more trustworthy than me.

I swallowed shampoo. It goes blblblblb. 🧼

Where do depressed people go to eat?

Suicide Sonic.

Suicide is population control, republished.

What do emo kids like to do in their spare time?

Hanging out.

When I called the suicidal hotline in Iraq, they asked if I could drive the car.

What do you call my sister?

Suicidal.

I am not making a noose; I am making an unsubscribe button for life.

I asked to borrow a book from the library. It was titled "Suicide in Ten Easy Steps." The cunt just stood and said, "Cheeky bastard, you won't bring it back!"