me: calls suicide hotline. hotline lady: suicide hotline, how are you doing today? me: not much, just hanging.
I told my suicidal friends to stop posting suicidal memes. They said they will stop soon.
Some people say I like heights; others say I'm a daredevil.
In reality, I like killing myself.
If 80% of all suicides in the UK are males, and women want equality, then maybe they should just kill themselves.
This man has been through all kinda shit in his life. So one day, he finally looks at himself in the mirror and says, "If another person looks at me again, I'm going to kill myself." He looks at himself and no one ever heard from him again.
You got a black cat.
He was bad luck.
Everyone left you and you committed suicide.
What a CATastrophe!
They say they'll stay, but I left first.
Hey, Reaper!!! Where are you going?
"I finished my job."
What about me?
I called the suicide hotline, and he suggested I draw on myself to distract myself.
I replied I'd get ink poisoning.
Wouldn't recommend, the police came.
I told a joke to a guy who had jumped off a bridge... He was in bits! 🤣🤦♂️
I was in a motivational seminar about depression the other day, and she said I could be anything I wanted to be if I put my mind to it. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do it, even if it's messy.
I know this place may be cruel, but hang in there!
My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.
I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.
I am a reverse rapper because I put bars in my mouth.
Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.
The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.
The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"
Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.
A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.
"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.
"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.
"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.
"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."
Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:
"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"
What's the difference between me and a rope?
The rope doesn't hang from itself.
So you know those people that commit suicide by hanging themselves? I guess they lost Hangman.
I’m taken, taken my own life, bitch!
Autoerotic asphyxiation because hanging in there can be hard.
You look good now, but you’d look better hanging from my ceiling. ;)
