Still jokes

Why do US suck at chess? We lost both our towers.

Why is England so good at chess? They still have their queen.

Why does Russia suck at chess? They only have pawns.

A kid got a bike and a soccer ball for Christmas. He was still unhappy.

Why?

The kid had no legs.

Me: Help, I'm stuck in a trap.

Friend: What kind?

Me: It's called life. Yeah, I've been trying to get out of it for six years now, it just won't let me go.

Friend: That's not funny..

Me: Yeah? Nor is wanting to die, yet I'm still over here laughing every time I try to.

Friend: I'm calling your mom.

Me: She knows.

Friend: What's she doing to help, then?

Me: She's supposed to help?

Friend: Have you told your dad?

Me: I will when he comes back.

Friend: Where is he?

Me: I don't know, he's been gone for 15 years.

Friend: ....

Me: What?

Friend: Why?

Me: Why what?

Friend: Why would you joke like that?

Me: I was joking..

Friend: I know.

Me: Oh. I didn't know.

Friend:...

Me: Have a nice day, I'll see you tomorrow... Maybe...

How do you tell when a blonde just lost her virginity?

Her crayons are still wet.

Your hairline is still missing, even Dora can’t explore it!

Why are we still fighting in darkness?

"Mission failed, soldier, we will get 'em next time."

I still remember my grandpa's last words.

"Stop shaking the damn ladder!"

One of my students asks, "Can I have a bookmark?"

A year of school and they still don't know my name is Danny.

I broke my arm yesterday. My bro said it is Arm-ageddon, and I still don’t know why.

Yo mama is so fat, I took a picture of her last year, and it is still printing.

What do a stool and an emo have in common?

They both sit still.

You are the reason why child abortion still exists in the world.

A woman is lying in bed after making love to her lover. After a moment, she starts to roll over, and in the process, she realizes that the spent condom is still inside her.

Worried, she wakes up her lover. She asks, “What should we do about this?” To which he replies: “Who was it?”

So this dude comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network.

The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can't cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can't f*ck."

What is the difference between the Twin Towers and Elton John?

Elton John is still standing.

Your mama is so fat, the photo I took of her last Christmas is still printing.

My girlfriend passed away recently.

At the funeral, everyone was shocked about it.

Still, even when dead, she is the best shag I've ever known.

How many orphans does it take to change a light bulb?

Obviously more than three because my basement is still dark.

What's the difference between a dead baby in my trash can and a discarded sex toy?

...

I'm still trying to think of an answer.

Last Christmas, I took a picture of your mom.

It's still printing.