Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Angela Merkel are standing at the shore and are trying to impress each other with the accomplishments of their countries. Putin brags, "We have nuclear submarines which can stay underwater for six weeks without having to resurface!". Trump goes on, "Six weeks? That's nothing. I have the best submarines, they're underwater für at least three months!". Merkel is about to respond, when a giant steel colossus emerges from the sea. A hatch opens, a black uniform appears - "Heil Hitler! We need Diesel."
Imagine Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady but could not stand up.
What do you call a Sikh man standing on a rope? Balan Singh.
How many Quebecers does it take to change a lightbulb?
4!
One to hold the bulb, two to turn the chair he's standing on, and one to sing "Alouette, gentille alouette!"
I hated church growing up as a child. It was always standing, kneeling, sitting, standing, kneeling, sitting. I wish the priest would just pick a position and f*** me!
Q: How do basketball players stay cool during a game?
A: They stand near the fans! 🏀🏀😆😆
Teacher: Stand up if you think you are stupid.
After a while, a student stands up.
Teacher: So you think you are stupid?
Student: No, I'm not stupid. I just felt bad because you were standing by yourself.
Why do French people like to eat snails so much?
They can't stand fast food.
What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?
The second nightstand.
I went to a stand up show with the person who made my life a joke.
A man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral.
This friend asks his wife, "Can I say a word?"
"Of course," she says.
The man stands up and says, "Plethora!"
The man's wife says, "Thanks, it means a lot!"
Why do orphans become criminals? To know what it’s like to be wanted.
Why are orphans bad at poker? They don’t know what a full house is.
I saw a child crying yesterday, so I asked him where his parents were. Bad move. I got fired from my job at the orphanage.
What do you call an orphan’s family reunion? Me time.
Did you know? The letter ‘f’ in orphan stands for family.
What is an orphan’s least favorite song? We Are Family.
What’s an orphan’s least favorite TV show? Family Guy.
What’s an orphan’s least favorite movie? Meet the Parents.
What’s an orphan’s least favorite type of music? House.
What’s an orphan’s least favorite store? Home Depot.
What’s an orphan’s favorite band? Foster the People.
What do you call a virgin from Alabama? An orphan.
Where do orphan chickens end up? Foster Farms.
What beer do orphans drink? Foster’s.
Why do orphans have water with their cereal? Because their dad never came back with the milk.
What do you call a fish with no parents? An orfin.
Why do orphans like playing tennis? Because it’s the only love they get.
Me: Are you an orphan? Orphan: Yes, what gave me away? Me: Your parents.
The "W" in Africa stands for water.
What's the fastest way to get to the hospital? Stand in the middle of the road.
I went to a library and I started to make fun of a disabled guy. He started crying, and I said, "Stand up for yourself!"
What is the difference between the Twin Towers and Elton John?
Elton John is still standing.
Why didn't the pirate want to play cards?
Because he was standing on the deck!
Yo man, stand up.
*short person stands*
No, seriously man, stand up!
Why do G-Unit and C-Unit stand for? Gorilla unit and chimpanzee unit.
I broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn't stand for the pledge. She was in a wheelchair.
