Stand jokes
Jimmy does stand up comedy. He says, "What do you call an orangutan?"
Jake replies, "YOU!" Then everyone, including the teacher, laughs. Jimmy cries.
LOL
What do you call a stand-up comedian if the comedian doesn’t have legs?
What is the worst comedy for disabled people?
Stand-up comedy!
A man accidentally elbows a woman's boob as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says, "If your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."
To which the woman replied, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."
Imagine Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady but could not stand up.
Do you know how to make 4 Albanians stand on a shoebox?
Just tell them that it floats.
So I became a teacher in a school for disabled children.
A kid wanted to ask me a question, so I told him to stand while he address me. 💀
How many Quebecers does it take to change a lightbulb?
4!
One to hold the bulb, two to turn the chair he's standing on, and one to sing "Alouette, gentille alouette!"
I hated church growing up as a child. It was always standing, kneeling, sitting, standing, kneeling, sitting. I wish the priest would just pick a position and f*** me!
I asked what LGBTQ stands for, and I couldn’t get a straight answer.
Teacher: Stand up if you think you are stupid.
After a while, a student stands up.
Teacher: So you think you are stupid?
Student: No, I'm not stupid. I just felt bad because you were standing by yourself.
Q: How do basketball players stay cool during a game?
A: They stand near the fans! 🏀🏀😆😆
I always win arguments against my handicapped girlfriend; she can't stand for herself.
The "S" in Putin stands for smart.
Why do French people like to eat snails so much?
They can't stand fast food.
What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?
The second nightstand.
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.
The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
I went to a stand up show with the person who made my life a joke.
A man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral.
This friend asks his wife, "Can I say a word?"
"Of course," she says.
The man stands up and says, "Plethora!"
The man's wife says, "Thanks, it means a lot!"
Three nuns die in a car crash, but they all make it to heaven. They're standing at the pearly gates, and Saint Peter says to them, "Don't worry, you're going to get in, but first I need you to answer these questions."
He asks the first nun, "What was the name of the first woman?" The nun says, "Eve." Saint Peter says, "Go on in."
Then he asks the second nun, "Where did Adam and Eve live?" The second one says, "The Garden of Eden." Saint Peter says, "You can go through."
Finally, he gets to the third nun and says, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun stands there a little confused and says, "Boy, that's a hard one." Saint Peter, shocked, goes, "That's correct! Go on in."