Stand jokes
What do you call a stand-up comedian if the comedian doesn’t have legs?
Jimmy does stand up comedy. He says, "What do you call an orangutan?"
Jake replies, "YOU!" Then everyone, including the teacher, laughs. Jimmy cries.
LOL
What is the worst comedy for disabled people?
Stand-up comedy!
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
It was a complete waste of money.
He just stands there applauding and saying, "Ooh, I love how smooth it is."
A man accidentally elbows a woman's boob as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says, "If your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."
To which the woman replied, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."
Imagine Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady but could not stand up.
I hated church growing up as a child. It was always standing, kneeling, sitting, standing, kneeling, sitting. I wish the priest would just pick a position and f*** me!
So I became a teacher in a school for disabled children.
A kid wanted to ask me a question, so I told him to stand while he address me. 💀
Do you know how to make 4 Albanians stand on a shoebox?
Just tell them that it floats.
How many Quebecers does it take to change a lightbulb?
4!
One to hold the bulb, two to turn the chair he's standing on, and one to sing "Alouette, gentille alouette!"
I asked what LGBTQ stands for, and I couldn’t get a straight answer.
I always win arguments against my handicapped girlfriend; she can't stand for herself.
Teacher: Stand up if you think you are stupid.
After a while, a student stands up.
Teacher: So you think you are stupid?
Student: No, I'm not stupid. I just felt bad because you were standing by yourself.
The "S" in Putin stands for smart.
Q: How do basketball players stay cool during a game?
A: They stand near the fans! 🏀🏀😆😆
Why do French people like to eat snails so much?
They can't stand fast food.
What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?
The second nightstand.
I went to a stand up show with the person who made my life a joke.
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.
The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
A man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral.
This friend asks his wife, "Can I say a word?"
"Of course," she says.
The man stands up and says, "Plethora!"
The man's wife says, "Thanks, it means a lot!"