Stand jokes
My girlfriend dumped me today. Apparently, I don't stand up for her in fights. I don't care. She used to push me around all the time.
What do the initials NOW stand for?
(A.) National Organization For Women
(B.) National Organization of Whores
(C.) All the above
Answer:
Since the initials NOW can stand for anything, the correct answer is all the above.
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.
The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
So the other day, I saw a child in a wheelchair.
He was getting bullied a lot, so I came up and said, "Why don't you stand up to those bullies?"
The fat kid asked the teacher, "Is Godzilla real?" The teacher said, "They're standing right in front of me."
These two cannibals are sitting by the campfire having dinner. One says, "I can't stand my mother-in-law." The other says, "So, just eat the potatoes."
Why did Steven Hawking have no friends?
He couldn’t stand anyone...
Why did the scarecrow get promoted?
He was out-standing.
"You raise me up to stand on mountains," said the dwarf pornstar on my penis.
I was a sit-down comedian, then I tried to stand up. I fell.
I wished I stayed in the wheelchair.
The S in America stands for safe.
The F in orphans stands for family...
What sucks about disabled people?
They can't stand up for themselves.
When the South Tower saw the North Tower collapse, he said, "I'm still standing."
What makes a healthy normal man different to a disabled man?
"I'm still standing, yeah, yeah, yeah!" (from Elton John)
What's the fastest way to get to the hospital? Stand in the middle of the road.
Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.
But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
It was a complete waste of money.
He just stands there applauding and saying, "Ooh, I love how smooth it is."
What do you call a stand-up comedian if the comedian doesn’t have legs?
Jimmy does stand up comedy. He says, "What do you call an orangutan?"
Jake replies, "YOU!" Then everyone, including the teacher, laughs. Jimmy cries.
LOL