Stand jokes
A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up, and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up, so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”
I’m going to reenact the ending of Saw (2004), except I won’t stand up and shut the door.
What does CNN stand for? The Counterfeit News Network.
Stephen Hawking has enough money to stand up, but can’t grab the money.
Adam and Eve were sitting on the beach one day, and Eve says to Adam, "Let's go for a swim." Adam replies, "I'm not in the mood."
She says, "Okay, I will go by myself." She puts her toes in the water and splashes around and says, "The water is beautiful, come in!" Adam replies, "Na, still not in the mood."
Eve wades into the water until she gets to her waist. Adam jumps up and yells at Eve standing waist deep and says, "Oh no, now all the fish are gonna smell like that!"
When prostitutes misbehave, do their pimps make them stand out on the corner with a "For Rent" sign on their crotch?
Me: I want to be a stand-up comedian.
Friend: You have to be able to stand up.
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
I love Steven Hawking’s stand-up comedy!
Why didn't Steven Hawkins get into fights?
'Cause he couldn't stand up for himself.
Roses are red.
Your passports are blue.
Now go stand over there,
In that very long queue!
The "F" in "Orphan" stands for "Famulu."
A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing bet of one thousand dollars that their bartender could squeeze a lemon dry until all the juice ran into a glass, and anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried but failed. Over time, weight lifters, lumberjacks, men in the Army, and etc. But still, nobody could do it.
One day, a scrawny little man came in wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "okay," and he grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rhine to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the one thousand dollars and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?" The man simply replied, "I work for the IRS."
What do you call an emo kid standing outside the mall?
Anything, he'll cry no matter what you say.
Q: Why did the ballerina get kicked off the squad?
She was standing way too close to the dancers.
Why was Stephen Hawking always bullied?
Because he couldn’t stand up for himself.
An American and a Russian are talking. The American says, "We in America have the best democracy. We can stand in front of the White House and shout with impunity: \"The American President is a moron!\""
"We can do that too," says the Russian, walking with the American to the Kremlin and shouting: "The American President is a moron!"
The S in America stands for safe.
One day a teacher stands up in front of her class and asks if anyone in the class is an idiot, and says that if there is one, then he/she should stand up.
After a minute, a boy stands up.
The teacher then asks the boy if he actually thinks he's an idiot.
The boy says, "No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."
Two friends were hanging out with each other next to a tree.
Too bad only one was standing. :)