Stand jokes

What's the quickest way to go to the hospital? Just stand in the middle of a busy road.

I was a sit-down comedian, then I tried to stand up. I fell.

I wished I stayed in the wheelchair.

What did the blind man say as he passed the fish stand?

"Hello Ladies!"

What's the fastest way to get to the hospital? Stand in the middle of the road.

What makes a healthy normal man different to a disabled man?

"I'm still standing, yeah, yeah, yeah!" (from Elton John)

When the South Tower saw the North Tower collapse, he said, "I'm still standing."

My friend was in a crash, so when he got put in a wheelchair, people bullied him, so I told him to stand up for himself.

My girlfriend dumped me today. Apparently, I don't stand up for her in fights. I don't care. She used to push me around all the time.

What do you call a Sikh man standing on a rope? Balan Singh.

So the other day, I saw a child in a wheelchair.

He was getting bullied a lot, so I came up and said, "Why don't you stand up to those bullies?"

The fat kid asked the teacher, "Is Godzilla real?" The teacher said, "They're standing right in front of me."

These two cannibals are sitting by the campfire having dinner. One says, "I can't stand my mother-in-law." The other says, "So, just eat the potatoes."

Why did Steven Hawking have no friends?

He couldn’t stand anyone...

Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Angela Merkel are standing at the shore and are trying to impress each other with the accomplishments of their countries. Putin brags, "We have nuclear submarines which can stay underwater for six weeks without having to resurface!". Trump goes on, "Six weeks? That's nothing. I have the best submarines, they're underwater für at least three months!". Merkel is about to respond, when a giant steel colossus emerges from the sea. A hatch opens, a black uniform appears - "Heil Hitler! We need Diesel."

What sucks about disabled people?

They can't stand up for themselves.

"You raise me up to stand on mountains," said the dwarf pornstar on my penis.

The F in orphans stands for family...

The S in America stands for safe.

Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.

But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.

I bought a ceiling fan the other day.

It was a complete waste of money.

He just stands there applauding and saying, "Ooh, I love how smooth it is."