Stand jokes
The cop that is on a 12 o'clock shift says, "Hands up!"
Why couldn't the bicycle stand? It was two tired...
Who's never the last man standing?
Stephen Hawking.
Stephen Hawking is a real stand up guy, out-standing performance.
How many Quebecers does it take to change a lightbulb?
4!
One to hold the bulb, two to turn the chair he's standing on, and one to sing "Alouette, gentille alouette!"
Imagine Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady but could not stand up.
You guys should be ashamed of yourselves, making fun of the disabled. After all, they can't stand up for themselves.
A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:
Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"
Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"
Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"
Why do French people like to eat snails so much?
They can't stand fast food.
What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?
The second nightstand.
Two horses are standing in a field. "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse," says the first.
"Moo!" says the second.
Why is Stephen Hawking a bad role model? -- He doesn't stand for anything.
I can't stand being in a wheelchair.
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.
Why does the blonde stand in a corner when she's cold?
Because it's 90 degrees.
What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? -- He nuts and bolts.
Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
Confucius say, man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Whenever I have a one night stand, I always use protection.
A fake name and a fake phone number.
What does the B in Benoît B. Mandelbrot stand for?
Benoît B. Mandelbrot.