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Stand jokes

Why didn't Steven Hawkins get into fights?

'Cause he couldn't stand up for himself.

A man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral.

This friend asks his wife, "Can I say a word?"

"Of course," she says.

The man stands up and says, "Plethora!"

The man's wife says, "Thanks, it means a lot!"

When that one night stand says she has AIDS but you laugh, "I choose D!"

She says...wait what?? I have all of the above! XD

Leave a like down below if you think Stephen Hawking should stand for the National Anthem.

A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help!" she said. "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

  • 4

    • Stephen Hawking tried comedy.

    His first line ruined it. "You know what I can't stand? Let me rephrase that, you know what? I can't stand."

    Two cows are standing in a field.

    Cow 1: Did you hear about the outbreak of mad cow disease?

    Cow 2: Good thing I'm a helicopter.

    My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

  • 1

    • One day a teacher stands up in front of her class and asks if anyone in the class is an idiot, and says that if there is one, then he/she should stand up.

    After a minute, a boy stands up.

    The teacher then asks the boy if he actually thinks he's an idiot.

    The boy says, "No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."

  • 9

    • A little boy went to church. The priest said, "Get in the following positions: stand, then kneel, then bow." The little boy replies, "Can you hurry up and f**k me already?"

    The worst part about church is that you're constantly switching between sitting, standing, and kneeling. I mean, why can't the priest just pick a position and f**k me already!

    It’s sad because with all these mean jokes Stephen hawkings can’t even Stand up for himself