Stand jokes
What does the + sign stand for in LGBTQ+?
It’s the premium version of gay.
What does “JETS” stand for?
Jihadis Eradicating The Skyscrapers.
My friend was in a crash, so when he got put in a wheelchair, people bullied him, so I told him to stand up for himself.
I asked a person in a wheelchair if they wanted to fight. All I had to do is say, "Stand up!"
Why don’t rappers play hide and seek?
Because good rappers always stand out!
What do the initials "MAD" stand for?
Mothers Against Democrats.
What do the initials FEMA stand for?
Federal Erection Management Agency.
What do the initials CIA stand for?
Central Intelligence of A**holes.
What do the initials FBI stand for?
Federal Bureau of Idiots.
What do the initials UAW stand for?
United Awesome Whores.
Why do Black people go to a confession stand at the Catholic Church?
They wanna know what it’s like to speak to a father.
If your house is cold, just stand in the corner. It's always 90 degrees there.
"Monica Lewinsky has gone down on Bill Clinton several times. What's stopping her from having a one-night stand with Donald Trump?"
"Trump is nothing more than a little pussy, don't ya know?"
What is the difference between the Twin Towers and Elton John?
Elton John is still standing.
What do Viagra and Disneyland have in common?
They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two-minute ride.
Why did the rapper sit on the stool?
Because he had too much FLOW to stand still!
Why don't butts get along?
Because they can't stand each other's cheek!
A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up, and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up, so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”
Why do disabled people not like comedians?
Because they do stand up.
A homeless man sees a woman about to jump off a bridge.
A homeless man is walking along a road and comes across a bridge. On the bridge is a woman standing on the railing, clearly about to jump. He approaches the woman.
"Hey lady, are you about to jump?"
"Back off! If you come any closer, I'll do it!" she replies.
"Well, that's fine," he says, "but before you do, can I ask a favor? I'm pretty down on my luck, and it's been a long time since I've felt the touch of a woman, so if it's all the same to you, would you have sex with me first?"
"Eww no, fuck off you creep!" the woman shouts back.
"Fine," the man says. "I'll just go wait at the bottom."